sugar and spice

i don't know why, the days you all are the biggest jerkface's, seem to be the days i am most introspective about motherhood. perhaps, its because we have to go through the valleys to appreciate the summits. or perhaps its because, after a very long monday and enough of the three of you, i found this when i went in to check on you:

the big ones share a room with their own beds, but tonight i found you two snuggled up in a single twin bed. for all those shadows of doubts i have about being a parent and doing right by you, these are the moments that sum up all the hard work and strife. 

its the middle of august and after having the entire month of july be hotter than seven kinds of hell, the mornings have turned cool and crisp. its exactly the feeling of back to school. no matter how old you get, its a familiar feeling, one that makes me want new shoes, a fancy back pack and never-been-used pens. vivian started preschool at ucp last week and i surprised myself at how emotional i was about it. i had no reservations about her adaptability or aptitude, but something felt so different about her starting school versus jack starting last year. 

the thing about you, little bug, is that you have such a big personality. . .

and you were really excited about going to school. we even celebrated after your back-to-school night by having a pizza party with your friends. . .

so when the big day came, i knew you were ready. i knew you were excited. and i was excited for you.

you're enthusiasm was evident initially and we were rolling with it but then in the blink of an eye, you looked different to me. . .

standing there, with your hair blowing, big red bow at full attention, you suddenly appeared so small to me. your pink leopard print backpack dwarfed you and its rare to see you so presitine! you looked like a two year old full of anticipation and uncertainty all at the same time. you clutched pink bunny tightly, your faithful security blanket, and out of no where, your larger than life personality dimmed and my independent little toe head looked very vulnerable. 

it's a side of you i am not used to seeing. after all, you're the fearless little girl who leaps across the monkey bars, the first to hop on the parallel bars at gymnastics and you rarely shed a tear after the several times a day you wipe out. it was a humbling and sacred moment for me, as your mommy, and a nice reminder of how tender and special you are. sugar and spice, and everything nice, that's what you are my little bug and i wouldn't have you any other way. 

i am happy to recollect, that your first day went "perfect," as you exclaimed to me when i picked you up! you seemed to thrive in that environment and were happy as a little clam. you told me all about toodles, the class bunny rabbit and how you "chased him all day, momma" and that he "scratched you, but it only hurt a little bit." i am afraid dear mr toodles doesn't know what he's in for and that no one informed him lenny was coming to town. 

i hope he's a fast rabbit and i hope you stop growing up so quickly. 

it had to be the chicken?

John 15:12
This is my commandment, that you love one another, as i have loved you.


clearly its been a while since i have been motivated to write twice in one week, but i literally had to get out of the bath tub tonight to get a few things off my chest. there has been a storm brewing in the united states today and its all over a little chain of chicken restaurants. the ceo and founder's son of chic fila was asked about their stance on marriage and he declared that they upheld "traditional marriage"- meaning the biblical sort, a man and a woman. its sent the nation into a tizzy, gays are boycotting, bible thumpers are practically living at chic fila and an entire separate movement has gone into effect, supporting the first amendment of free speech. i've been so hot and cold on this all, that its taken me nearly 7 hours to put together a real stance on it.

i updated my facebook status tonight with "i love gays! i love breeders! i love that chic fil a has an aquarium for my children! and i love living in a country that allows freedom of speech!"

the long and short of this, for me, is that, we are in a politically charged year and everything is becoming an "issue" and everything is becoming a "this side or that side" deal. here are the things i know to be true about all of this:

• chic fil a has built itself on christian values and its part of the reason i like to take my family there. its a friendly, accommodating environment with good food and a little glass tank filled with a play area. it virtually screams "FAMILY!" they are so christian that they aren't even open on sundays! actually, i am surprised they don't put tiny bibles in the kids meals. they are the christian ritz carltons of restaurants. the fact that anyone is surprised by this company's stance on a traditional, biblical family, blows my mind. how is anyone shocked? 
• secondly, one of the greatest things about living in this country is that we are allowed to say whatever we want and believe whatever we want. we have the freedom of religion, the freedom of speech, the freedom to be whomever you want to be. this is what sets our country apart from the rest of the world and makes us great! he can say and believe whatever he likes and we don't have to like it, believe it or support his business. how great is that? i mean, really! how great is that? 

i have thought about this all day long and at the end of the day, at the end of this day, i think the bottom line is, that if we all believe in God and follow his teachings, then the big lesson is to love one another and to respect one another. 

there is all this talk, both politically and socially, about what a "traditional" family is. i am so over this subject. 

so. over. it.

i believe in a God that doesn't make mistakes. a God that makes people individual, special and unique in their own right. a God that says live without judgement and doesn't have an exception line for "gays." i believe that a "family" is comprised of loving individuals, those born into it and those selected to join. my closest family members aren't even blood, they are the life lines i have selected because of love and the place they live in my heart. 

your dad and i both have cousins that are gay and a few more that hide in the closet, i suspect. when i look at them or think about them, i wish all of the things i wish for myself and my non "gay" family members. i want them to be happy, to love, to be loved, to have a family, in whatever form that is. as a mother, i think i will always have ideals for myself of what your life should look like, but ultimately, i just really hope you find someone who loves you as much as i do. i don't really care about the shape or details of that, but someone who sees into your soul and loves you for all of the beautiful things that you are. 

the three of you are born into a politically charged family of republicans. i like to think i dance the line between being fiscally republican, socially democratic and aloof enough to not care. your dad's favorite political saying is, "if you're 18 and not a democrat, you have no heart. if you re 28 and not a republican, you have no brain." we are lucky enough to live in a country where we even have a choice!

i hope when you're day comes to make these big decisions and to take a stance; you do so with your heart, without judgement or preconceived notions. i pray that you are a christian in all that you do and don't decipher the bible according to your own agenda. i hope you don't pick and choose bible versus to live by, but always revert back to "God is love" and do so with the best of intentions. i hope you are kind and respect the freedoms we have as americans and never take those for granted. i hope you have enough character to make a freaking decision for yourself, to form your own opinion and don't just believe the nonsense on television or regurgitate information you hear from others. love unconditionally. shoot from the hip, follow your heart and above all, don't ever mess with a good piece of chicken.

"what the world needs now is love, sweet love
it's the only thing that there's just too little of
what the world needs now is love, sweet love, 
no not just for some but for everyone."


burt bacharach