its an ironic thing, the way that life and death work, after all there is nothing more natural than either of them. people come, people go, the cycle of life continues every day. late last night my grandmother escaped this world and went on to the next. she has been rotting in a nursing home the last five years, spending at least the last three in a some what vegetated state. she hadn't spoken in ages, was unable to feed or take care of herself. most days we wondered what kept her hanging on and prayed for the day that she would gently fall asleep and not wake up. they say you exit this life, similarly to the way you lived it, and i can't say that my grandmother did this any differently. she liked to have family around and was tilted a bit to the dramatic side. (maybe that is where i get it?) i was all set and scheduled to give birth on monday morning and now i will spend that day burying my grandma nancy.
of all the crummy timing, this was the worst. in the last two weeks we have gotten negative lab results back from my brother's kidney doctor, my dad resigned from his job last monday which means in addition to my dad soon being unemployed, my parents will be moving to a new location AND i got inconclusive results back from my painful amnio yesterday. did i mention its hotter than seven kinds of hell right now too and i have a heat rash on my very pregnant belly? i made my peace with grandma years ago and in my mind she has been gone for a while, but i wasn't prepared for the flood of emotion i have been experiencing today. indeed, God gives you only as much as you can handle but i am calling "PLATE FULL!" right now. i've been trying to maintain some level of composure and keep my stress level down to avoid pre-term labor, the worst thing that could happen is for me to start having contractions. i'm hoping nancy is keeping a watchful eye on baby and me in between doing the waltz with my grandpa.
i have spent the last two days recounting my moments with her, she was very special to me growing up and especially in to adulthood. she was the more nurturing of my two grandmother's, more the story book type. she cooked special meals for me, doted after me and smothered me with kisses. i spent countless hours in college laying on her couch lamenting over boys and my parents. she was the best listener and my biggest cheerleader. it breaks my heart that she never got to meet my children, she would have really gotten a kick out of them. every morning she got up, put her make up on, her bedazzled track suit and always looked like a lady. her hair was done every friday, her nails every two weeks. she liked yogurt for breakfast and made a mean over easy egg. she read the paper every morning, was an early riser and always had a pot of coffee. to this day i haven't had roast beef and noodles that compared to hers and i kick myself that i didn't spend more time in the kitchen with her. she loved hawaii, sweet adalines, singing, dancing and christmas. she liked to talk a lot, never met a stranger and i think most of her income went to at&t. she had seven children and coincidentally had them boy-girl-boy-girl all the way to the very last one. i am not sure what inspired her to do so, but all the boys names start with the letter "D" and all the girls, the letter "C." it was laughable to hear her call for one, screw up the name, and make it damn near through the whole list before she got the correct name. (insert my name starting with the letter "C" as well and sometimes i got thrown into the mix) until the very end, she prided herself on never having a traffic ticket and she loved to go get a diet coke and go for a drive. i loved that about her. sometimes we would just get in the car, grab ice cream and drive all over town. she had a magical way of making me feel like i was the most special, wonderful person in the world! like i was the lucky one to be the favorite grandchild, even though i know she loved us all the same. she was very proud of my father, bragged about him all of the time. i, personally, think he is the best thing she ever did! :)
no matter how old you get, grandparents are very special people. i miss the sparkle and joy she brought to my life. there is a place in my life that will never be that bright again without her there. but i can still hear her voice, her laughter and remember exactly where her arms hit me around the waist when she hugged me. i know that she would want me to focus my energy and thoughts on this baby right now but its hard to do knowing that this part of my life is really officially over. so i am going to give myself the rest of today and tomorrow to just feel bad and miss her; but on sunday i am going to be glad. i am going to be glad that she is no longer suffering. no longer alone in that nursing home. no longer unable to enjoy all of the things she loved. she has moved on to a better place, leaving this world a little dimmer, the next a little brighter. i am going to think about her in the delivery room, knowing that my baby, my lucky baby, is going to have its own personal, newly appointed angel to help usher it into my arms.
i love you and will always miss you, nanetta maxine.
"lightning crashes, a new mother cries
her placenta falls to the floor
the angel opens her eyes
the confusion sets in
before the doctor can even close the door
lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now, to the baby down the hall
oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.
lightning crashes, a new mother cries
this moment she's been waiting for
the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored iris,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide, hide"
lightning crashes, live
Friday, July 22, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
keep on, keepin' on
oh man. i don't know how i have gotten so far removed from blogging, but i can't even remember the last time i posted. its become a nearly daunting task, like when you think of an old friend frequently and know you should call, but its been so long you're almost "afraid" to pick up the phone. in my mind, i blog every night, noting the little things that happen during the day!
today is monday june 18th and by this time in one week, there will be three of you. i have been hesitant to post much about it, but since things are all firmed up now, i feel like the coast is clear. at my 20 week ultrasound they discovered a placenta previa, which basically means the placenta is underneath baby butterscotch. the risk factor involved with that is that if i were to go into labor on my own, i would potentially deliver it first, there by removing the baby's life line. no oxygen, blood or baby support system. the other risk is that i could basically bleed to death! either way, no fun, not safe for either one of us. they were hoping that over the course of a few months, this would rectify itself. it hasn't. now we are having a scheduled c-section three weeks early. i know that people have sections all of the time, but i can't help but be a little nervous and disappointed in all of this news. now we go from having a birth, to having a scheduled surgery. i am not looking forward to having a wound, not being able to pick up my other little people and the restrictions that are coming along with this development. alas, its the safest thing for everyone involved so i am just trying to accept that its out of my hands.
i am getting very excited to meet this little person who has brought so many surprises the last 9 months! and thank God its coming three weeks early because i am so over being pregnant. i have officially gained more weight with this baby than combined the first two! seriously. im waddling something fierce and can't get comfortable most of the day. not to mention that the heat index has been nearly 120 around here lately. fat, pregnant girl + heat = not good! we have been hibernating indoors the majority of the day and don't come out until evenings. then we go directly to the pool and swim for a few hours, having developed a fun little routine of swimming and ending the night with popsicles. vivian can't manage to get the word "popsicle" out so she just requests bomb pops most nights. i think she is on to us that something is about to change, she has become a real momma's girl and clings to me most of the day. its bittersweet in that its nice she likes me but a real pain that she won't go to anyone else. her days as the baby are numbered!
we brought the bassinet and changing table into our room and vivian put all her dolls and blankets into the bed. i think i am going to keep a very close eye on her and the baby! she might become quite the little helper. jack on the other hand, seems to be very excited for the birth of his new sibling. most days he says butterscotch is a girl and there seems to be a genuine level of excitement with him. i think he, too, is ready for me to not be pregnant anymore since i am constantly uncomfortable and lounge around a lot. getting down on the ground to side walk chalk is next to impossible! i am so grateful we can still swim so i am not a complete dud of a mother. i am hopeful neither of them will remember how lethargic and useless i am right now.
this pregnancy i have been really into seltzer water with lots of fresh squeezed lime, lavender essential oils and ice cream. i've had no real cravings, though i would certainly be killing the tomatoes in the back yard if they would ever ripen. i probably have 100 green tomatoes out there and have only had ONE red one all summer. i got a little over ambitious with the plantings this summer but thought if i was going to grow things, i might as well really GROW things. they will probably all turn next week when i am in the hospital. . .
jack and vivian are in the middle of a growth spurt, we had to go and buy everyone new tennis shoes today. we love new shoes around here. vivian is speaking in compete sentences and the terrible twos are rapidly approaching. just today randy noted that she was probably going to spend a lot of time in time out! she now yells "i want it," "NOW!" and "NO!" its not so charming. she is virtually potty trained thanks to determination on my part and lots of m & m rewards. it will be so nice to not have to buy quite as many diapers!
jack is ready for preschool to start next month and is becoming a real big boy! he took swimming lessons this summer and can now "swim" with a life jacket on. its more floating with style, but he is getting the jest of it. he learned last week that he cannot, in fact, "swim" on his own and without the jacket; but it has provided him some freedom and i don't have to stay right on top of two children while we are in the pool. they both really love to go potty outside when we are at the pool- a nifty little trick your dad started letting you do. vivian is very confused that she doesn't have a penis, nothing to hold on to when she goes potty. she reaches around and looks between her legs, desperate to produce a stream with the same magnitude jack does. he got a little "cocky" with his stream the other night and was bragging to grandpa, "watch this!" making it go up and down. while he was in the middle of boasting and not pay attention, he managed to piss right in his own face, mouth included! grandpa was laughing so hard, i thought for certain HE too was going to wet his own pants. ah, boys.
other than that, i have nothing profound to note! this is probably a really disappointing posting. we have just been keep on, keepin' on and trying to make it until things resume to our version of normal. i'm not so sure i am ready to have a newborn baby and two other children under the age of 4 but i am, indeed, so ready to no longer be pregnant. i can practically taste the sushi and martinis already! hopefully i will manage to slide one or two more posts into this week but there is a good chance the next post will be about your new sibling!
let the games begin!
today is monday june 18th and by this time in one week, there will be three of you. i have been hesitant to post much about it, but since things are all firmed up now, i feel like the coast is clear. at my 20 week ultrasound they discovered a placenta previa, which basically means the placenta is underneath baby butterscotch. the risk factor involved with that is that if i were to go into labor on my own, i would potentially deliver it first, there by removing the baby's life line. no oxygen, blood or baby support system. the other risk is that i could basically bleed to death! either way, no fun, not safe for either one of us. they were hoping that over the course of a few months, this would rectify itself. it hasn't. now we are having a scheduled c-section three weeks early. i know that people have sections all of the time, but i can't help but be a little nervous and disappointed in all of this news. now we go from having a birth, to having a scheduled surgery. i am not looking forward to having a wound, not being able to pick up my other little people and the restrictions that are coming along with this development. alas, its the safest thing for everyone involved so i am just trying to accept that its out of my hands.
i am getting very excited to meet this little person who has brought so many surprises the last 9 months! and thank God its coming three weeks early because i am so over being pregnant. i have officially gained more weight with this baby than combined the first two! seriously. im waddling something fierce and can't get comfortable most of the day. not to mention that the heat index has been nearly 120 around here lately. fat, pregnant girl + heat = not good! we have been hibernating indoors the majority of the day and don't come out until evenings. then we go directly to the pool and swim for a few hours, having developed a fun little routine of swimming and ending the night with popsicles. vivian can't manage to get the word "popsicle" out so she just requests bomb pops most nights. i think she is on to us that something is about to change, she has become a real momma's girl and clings to me most of the day. its bittersweet in that its nice she likes me but a real pain that she won't go to anyone else. her days as the baby are numbered!
we brought the bassinet and changing table into our room and vivian put all her dolls and blankets into the bed. i think i am going to keep a very close eye on her and the baby! she might become quite the little helper. jack on the other hand, seems to be very excited for the birth of his new sibling. most days he says butterscotch is a girl and there seems to be a genuine level of excitement with him. i think he, too, is ready for me to not be pregnant anymore since i am constantly uncomfortable and lounge around a lot. getting down on the ground to side walk chalk is next to impossible! i am so grateful we can still swim so i am not a complete dud of a mother. i am hopeful neither of them will remember how lethargic and useless i am right now.
this pregnancy i have been really into seltzer water with lots of fresh squeezed lime, lavender essential oils and ice cream. i've had no real cravings, though i would certainly be killing the tomatoes in the back yard if they would ever ripen. i probably have 100 green tomatoes out there and have only had ONE red one all summer. i got a little over ambitious with the plantings this summer but thought if i was going to grow things, i might as well really GROW things. they will probably all turn next week when i am in the hospital. . .
jack and vivian are in the middle of a growth spurt, we had to go and buy everyone new tennis shoes today. we love new shoes around here. vivian is speaking in compete sentences and the terrible twos are rapidly approaching. just today randy noted that she was probably going to spend a lot of time in time out! she now yells "i want it," "NOW!" and "NO!" its not so charming. she is virtually potty trained thanks to determination on my part and lots of m & m rewards. it will be so nice to not have to buy quite as many diapers!
jack is ready for preschool to start next month and is becoming a real big boy! he took swimming lessons this summer and can now "swim" with a life jacket on. its more floating with style, but he is getting the jest of it. he learned last week that he cannot, in fact, "swim" on his own and without the jacket; but it has provided him some freedom and i don't have to stay right on top of two children while we are in the pool. they both really love to go potty outside when we are at the pool- a nifty little trick your dad started letting you do. vivian is very confused that she doesn't have a penis, nothing to hold on to when she goes potty. she reaches around and looks between her legs, desperate to produce a stream with the same magnitude jack does. he got a little "cocky" with his stream the other night and was bragging to grandpa, "watch this!" making it go up and down. while he was in the middle of boasting and not pay attention, he managed to piss right in his own face, mouth included! grandpa was laughing so hard, i thought for certain HE too was going to wet his own pants. ah, boys.
other than that, i have nothing profound to note! this is probably a really disappointing posting. we have just been keep on, keepin' on and trying to make it until things resume to our version of normal. i'm not so sure i am ready to have a newborn baby and two other children under the age of 4 but i am, indeed, so ready to no longer be pregnant. i can practically taste the sushi and martinis already! hopefully i will manage to slide one or two more posts into this week but there is a good chance the next post will be about your new sibling!
let the games begin!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
monkey on my back
there is a whole ridiculous list of things i said i would never do as a parent BEFORE i was actually a parent. one of those being, i would never let my child sleep with me. NEVER. its funny how all that changes at the end of a long, exhausting day when you are out of "the fight." i'm too tired to argue, too tired to get up and send jack back to his bed and too tired to explain why a tornado is not going to take our house away every time it storms. some nights, most nights, in fact, its easier to tuck you in next to me and fall asleep. randy prefers falling asleep to the television and i have to have complete darkness and silence; so this scenario has been working out alright for us lately. daddy gets to watch horrible movies like "the fast and the furious," jack gets to feel like all is right in his little bubble and i don't have to listen to randy snore or wrangle jack back into his own bed.
lately, however, jack has become something of a velcro child, adhering himself to my back like a little capuchin monkey. he wants to sleep on my pillow and as close as humanly possible to me. i am not sure if its in light of all the recent tornado coverage we've been watching or that i let you watch the entire thriller video this week? (parental fail!) you weren't a huge fan of michael jackson turning into a werewolf, but found the dancing zombies hilarious. how was i supposed to see that coming? you're such a mature little package, i some times forget that things might frighten you. . . or not. . . because i remember the first time i saw that video and the creepy dead guy with oozing green coming from his mouth was pretty scary, not so much funny! anyways, between jack and the surprise guest, i am being made uncomfortable by TWO children now at night. the baby is so busy at night, there is certainly a party of some sort going on in there. if its current night owl tendencies are any indication of what is to come, i am going to be up most of the night with an active newborn. i suppose none of it really matters since i am up every two hours to go to the bathroom anyways! there truly is no rest for the wicked!
also this week, we went to omaha for a quick over night trip and to the zoo. we swam in the hotel pool the night before, wearing everyone out. you two and daddy fell asleep at 9:30 and i laid there awake until at least one in the morning. i could hear each of you breathing, vivian rolling into the side of her pack and play, jack talking in his sleep and daddy snoring. it was a long miserable night for me and this new found pregnancy "symptom" of restless legs kept me up. i'm not really even sure how or why it happens but it is miserable. i will add it to the long, tragic list i am keeping to justify why you all should pay for my plastic surgery later in life-- i have sacrificed and suffered for you. *wink*
the zoo was great, we picked a glorious day to go. it was 80 degrees, sunny and breezy. beautiful. we all had a really great time. no matter how old i get or how many times i have seen some of these amazing animals, i can't help but be captivated by their splendor. my favorite part was the bottom of the desert dome, it is a creepy, crawly kinda place where things go bump in the night. there were several different species of bats, freaked the hell out of your dad, but i found them fascinating. its a rare thing to see them doing what they do in a some what natural habitat. i also really loved the swamp area, it was strait out of the bayou, complete with an albino alligator. amazing. you all seemed to really love the penguins the best, there was one in particular that put on a spectacular show. he was swimming extremely fast and twisting, turning and jumping out of the water. a show off indeed and he was impressive.
i was the first that day to wear out and by the time we hit the gorilla house i was ready to hit the road. i had waddled far enough for the day. after five wonderful hours of fun, we hopped in the car and returned home. you two slept the entire two hour journey, a rarity because you both usually refuse to sleep in the car.
it was a thing of silent, blissful beauty. . . if only my nights were equally as tranquil.
lately, however, jack has become something of a velcro child, adhering himself to my back like a little capuchin monkey. he wants to sleep on my pillow and as close as humanly possible to me. i am not sure if its in light of all the recent tornado coverage we've been watching or that i let you watch the entire thriller video this week? (parental fail!) you weren't a huge fan of michael jackson turning into a werewolf, but found the dancing zombies hilarious. how was i supposed to see that coming? you're such a mature little package, i some times forget that things might frighten you. . . or not. . . because i remember the first time i saw that video and the creepy dead guy with oozing green coming from his mouth was pretty scary, not so much funny! anyways, between jack and the surprise guest, i am being made uncomfortable by TWO children now at night. the baby is so busy at night, there is certainly a party of some sort going on in there. if its current night owl tendencies are any indication of what is to come, i am going to be up most of the night with an active newborn. i suppose none of it really matters since i am up every two hours to go to the bathroom anyways! there truly is no rest for the wicked!
also this week, we went to omaha for a quick over night trip and to the zoo. we swam in the hotel pool the night before, wearing everyone out. you two and daddy fell asleep at 9:30 and i laid there awake until at least one in the morning. i could hear each of you breathing, vivian rolling into the side of her pack and play, jack talking in his sleep and daddy snoring. it was a long miserable night for me and this new found pregnancy "symptom" of restless legs kept me up. i'm not really even sure how or why it happens but it is miserable. i will add it to the long, tragic list i am keeping to justify why you all should pay for my plastic surgery later in life-- i have sacrificed and suffered for you. *wink*
the zoo was great, we picked a glorious day to go. it was 80 degrees, sunny and breezy. beautiful. we all had a really great time. no matter how old i get or how many times i have seen some of these amazing animals, i can't help but be captivated by their splendor. my favorite part was the bottom of the desert dome, it is a creepy, crawly kinda place where things go bump in the night. there were several different species of bats, freaked the hell out of your dad, but i found them fascinating. its a rare thing to see them doing what they do in a some what natural habitat. i also really loved the swamp area, it was strait out of the bayou, complete with an albino alligator. amazing. you all seemed to really love the penguins the best, there was one in particular that put on a spectacular show. he was swimming extremely fast and twisting, turning and jumping out of the water. a show off indeed and he was impressive.
i was the first that day to wear out and by the time we hit the gorilla house i was ready to hit the road. i had waddled far enough for the day. after five wonderful hours of fun, we hopped in the car and returned home. you two slept the entire two hour journey, a rarity because you both usually refuse to sleep in the car.
it was a thing of silent, blissful beauty. . . if only my nights were equally as tranquil.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
charismatic character
i just got out of the bathtub and read a snippit in a magazine about character and charisma. its funny how things stick with you and can sum up a moment. previous to this bathtub soak, we had gone to a family dinner at the benton club, hosted by sara stein and carrie murphey. its intent was to do something family oriented benefiting the recent victims of the horrific tornadoes that just struck joplin, missouri. when i got the invitation i was so struck by this kind hearted gesture, i immediately told sara we would be there. she said she was prompted to do this, because of how close this tragedy hit to home, not only by proxy, but it is a community not unlike our own.
as you might imagine, tonight was a bit chaotic with at least 10 children under the age of five, but the food was good, the company even better and the cause so worthy. it was laid back and fun and i sat there admiring my friend, sara. here is the thing about her, and i imagine by the time you two read this, there will be a long history with "miss sara," but she is really like no other person i have met. when we began our friendship, i thought she was such a breath of fresh air to our sleepy little circle. she is bubbly, full of life and i always call her the cruise director. she's a real "the more the merrier" kind of person and embraces everyone. her personality is effervescent, contagious and enthusiastic- she is without a doubt, charismatic.
this article i was reading spoke about how character and charisma are two separate things, although a lot of times they appear to go hand in hand. you naturally assume that a person who lights up a room is full of "do the right thing" character, but such is not always the case. this really got me thinking about the two (three) of you and your stamp on the world. its really charming to be the kind of person who's light fills the room, but its so much more important to be the kind of person who shines brightly when no one is looking. sara is without a doubt this kind of person and i hope so badly, that you all will be just as sparkly.
my mom always said "its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice." if she said it once, she said it a thousand times and i don't really think it hit home until i was near my thirties. charisma will take you to a level or height, but character will keep you there or bring you down.
be charismatic in your personality and strong in your character, it will serve you well.
as you might imagine, tonight was a bit chaotic with at least 10 children under the age of five, but the food was good, the company even better and the cause so worthy. it was laid back and fun and i sat there admiring my friend, sara. here is the thing about her, and i imagine by the time you two read this, there will be a long history with "miss sara," but she is really like no other person i have met. when we began our friendship, i thought she was such a breath of fresh air to our sleepy little circle. she is bubbly, full of life and i always call her the cruise director. she's a real "the more the merrier" kind of person and embraces everyone. her personality is effervescent, contagious and enthusiastic- she is without a doubt, charismatic.
this article i was reading spoke about how character and charisma are two separate things, although a lot of times they appear to go hand in hand. you naturally assume that a person who lights up a room is full of "do the right thing" character, but such is not always the case. this really got me thinking about the two (three) of you and your stamp on the world. its really charming to be the kind of person who's light fills the room, but its so much more important to be the kind of person who shines brightly when no one is looking. sara is without a doubt this kind of person and i hope so badly, that you all will be just as sparkly.
my mom always said "its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice." if she said it once, she said it a thousand times and i don't really think it hit home until i was near my thirties. charisma will take you to a level or height, but character will keep you there or bring you down.
be charismatic in your personality and strong in your character, it will serve you well.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
sh*t happens
they say shit happens. today, it happened a lot at my house.
my absolute worst fear, aside from bodily harm to one of my children, has always been the independent diaper removal scenerio. i should have known it would happen with my rotten, little blue eyed girl.
she was awfully quiet after family nap time today and i thought she had fallen asleep. finally, i heard her chirping so i thought i would go get her. opening the door i immediatly knew she had pooped her pants, the stench was horrific. as i walked closer to the crib she sweetly said "oh, no, MESS!"
OH NO! MESS!?!?!?!?
her hands, feet, hair, face and entire body were crusted with baby shit. it was all over the crib, the bedding, the wall, her bunny. dis-gust-ing. she just sat there looking at me, waiting for a reaction. i was literally speechless. my worst parenting fear had come to fruition. *deep breath* i had not anticipated the hour long clean up procedure that was to follow, i had to scrub every inch of her nasty little body. by the grace of God, rothy was on his way home from atlanta and was nearly at the house. he stripped the bed and started everything in the washing machine while i wrangled the poop machine.
she seemed so smug and proud of herself when i helped her tell her daddy what she had done. this child is going to do me in, i am just certain of it. from now on, no more unfinished basements for vivian. she is going to be locked and loaded in a onsie until she is 12. i might even start duct taping her diapers when she is left alone to her own devices.
as if that weren't enough fun for the day, the dog also decided this was also an appropriate time to shit in the hallway. even more awesomeness. it's days like today that i am really thankful to be married to a pseudo janitor that doesn't get grossed out by bodily functions.
oh calgon, you cannot take me far enough away tonight!
my absolute worst fear, aside from bodily harm to one of my children, has always been the independent diaper removal scenerio. i should have known it would happen with my rotten, little blue eyed girl.
she was awfully quiet after family nap time today and i thought she had fallen asleep. finally, i heard her chirping so i thought i would go get her. opening the door i immediatly knew she had pooped her pants, the stench was horrific. as i walked closer to the crib she sweetly said "oh, no, MESS!"
OH NO! MESS!?!?!?!?
her hands, feet, hair, face and entire body were crusted with baby shit. it was all over the crib, the bedding, the wall, her bunny. dis-gust-ing. she just sat there looking at me, waiting for a reaction. i was literally speechless. my worst parenting fear had come to fruition. *deep breath* i had not anticipated the hour long clean up procedure that was to follow, i had to scrub every inch of her nasty little body. by the grace of God, rothy was on his way home from atlanta and was nearly at the house. he stripped the bed and started everything in the washing machine while i wrangled the poop machine.
she seemed so smug and proud of herself when i helped her tell her daddy what she had done. this child is going to do me in, i am just certain of it. from now on, no more unfinished basements for vivian. she is going to be locked and loaded in a onsie until she is 12. i might even start duct taping her diapers when she is left alone to her own devices.
as if that weren't enough fun for the day, the dog also decided this was also an appropriate time to shit in the hallway. even more awesomeness. it's days like today that i am really thankful to be married to a pseudo janitor that doesn't get grossed out by bodily functions.
oh calgon, you cannot take me far enough away tonight!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
darling nikki
there is something about pregnancy and nikki sixx that just seem to go together for me. i know that is a random statement and i am sure if he were to ever read it he would certainly be frightened by seeing his name and "pregnancy" together. its weird. and its haunting.
by the time you two (three!) are old enough to read these books, you will be more than aware that i love 80's hair metal. in fact, i love it so much, i wish i was just about five or ten years older so i really could have raged. i went to my first motley crue concert in 7th grade with my older cousin, eric, and some of his friends. to this day, i am a little surprised my mother let me go, but she did and i had a smashing time. i remember hearing motley crue on the radio back then and loving them, but nothing like i have in my 30's.
during my first pregnancy, i had the sweetest little bmw x5. it was black and it was fast. i would put on "kick start my heart" and as the guitar would accelerate, so would i. the music would get louder and louder and i played it on a loop. i felt so lousy most of that pregnancy, it was one of those weird things that made me feel normal, made me feel like me. the music would pound through my chest and i found it so reassuring and "me." the thing about pending parenthood, is that you know things are going to drastically change and consume your life; but its frightening that some how the "you" that "you" know can get lost. my body and mind were going through all of these changes that didn't seem to be effecting randy and the only thing that brought me back to center was that guitar riff.
in my last trimester, angela bought me "the heroin diaries," nikki's first book/diary. i read it cover to cover in the days leading up to delivery. it was all about frankie going to hollywood and the roller coaster ride he endured through drug dependency. it took me out of my own head and into his sick and twisted world. the beauty of that deal, was the happy ending. he came out more evolved and omniscient because of it; but the thing that stuck with me the most was just that he freaking survived! once again, hard to find nikki sixx= pregnancy but in those moments i was looking for some inspiration on survival.
i feel like its important to note, that during my second pregnancy, nikki wasn't so present. i got a little tangled up with some vampire novels during that time frame; which might explain why vivian is nocturnal and bites all of the time. . .
moving on to pregnancy number three and now nikki comes out with a much anticipated second book, "this is gonna hurt." it features his photography and journaling. i bought it on my ipad and have highlighted so many quotations from it! who would have ever thought a pregnant mother of two, living in a missouri suburb would find so many inspiring things from an eccentric, outspoken rock star? i find his art captivating, unsettling at times, but i think that is what he is going for. there is a certain something about him that likes to shock and awe; i totally get that about him. its thought provoking and in the hum-drums of life, something we all need. while i don't agree with everything he says or feels, it makes me think.
so here we are again. just me, nikki sixx and a cooking baby. he shows up in my facebook news feed, my dreams and i am happy to have him there. he's a refreshing reminder that life is beautiful and while i will never be the same me i am today, there is the potential for me, too, to become more evolved, provoked and omniscient.
"when i get high
i get high on speed
top fuel funny car's
a drug for me
my heart, my heart
kickstart my heart."
motley crue
*i would like to add, for the record, i am totally pissed that motley crue is coming to kansas city this summer and i am going to miss them. again. like i did the last time they were here and i was pregnant. i need to stop having babies and they need to tour again next year. damn it!
by the time you two (three!) are old enough to read these books, you will be more than aware that i love 80's hair metal. in fact, i love it so much, i wish i was just about five or ten years older so i really could have raged. i went to my first motley crue concert in 7th grade with my older cousin, eric, and some of his friends. to this day, i am a little surprised my mother let me go, but she did and i had a smashing time. i remember hearing motley crue on the radio back then and loving them, but nothing like i have in my 30's.
during my first pregnancy, i had the sweetest little bmw x5. it was black and it was fast. i would put on "kick start my heart" and as the guitar would accelerate, so would i. the music would get louder and louder and i played it on a loop. i felt so lousy most of that pregnancy, it was one of those weird things that made me feel normal, made me feel like me. the music would pound through my chest and i found it so reassuring and "me." the thing about pending parenthood, is that you know things are going to drastically change and consume your life; but its frightening that some how the "you" that "you" know can get lost. my body and mind were going through all of these changes that didn't seem to be effecting randy and the only thing that brought me back to center was that guitar riff.
in my last trimester, angela bought me "the heroin diaries," nikki's first book/diary. i read it cover to cover in the days leading up to delivery. it was all about frankie going to hollywood and the roller coaster ride he endured through drug dependency. it took me out of my own head and into his sick and twisted world. the beauty of that deal, was the happy ending. he came out more evolved and omniscient because of it; but the thing that stuck with me the most was just that he freaking survived! once again, hard to find nikki sixx= pregnancy but in those moments i was looking for some inspiration on survival.
i feel like its important to note, that during my second pregnancy, nikki wasn't so present. i got a little tangled up with some vampire novels during that time frame; which might explain why vivian is nocturnal and bites all of the time. . .
moving on to pregnancy number three and now nikki comes out with a much anticipated second book, "this is gonna hurt." it features his photography and journaling. i bought it on my ipad and have highlighted so many quotations from it! who would have ever thought a pregnant mother of two, living in a missouri suburb would find so many inspiring things from an eccentric, outspoken rock star? i find his art captivating, unsettling at times, but i think that is what he is going for. there is a certain something about him that likes to shock and awe; i totally get that about him. its thought provoking and in the hum-drums of life, something we all need. while i don't agree with everything he says or feels, it makes me think.
so here we are again. just me, nikki sixx and a cooking baby. he shows up in my facebook news feed, my dreams and i am happy to have him there. he's a refreshing reminder that life is beautiful and while i will never be the same me i am today, there is the potential for me, too, to become more evolved, provoked and omniscient.
"when i get high
i get high on speed
top fuel funny car's
a drug for me
my heart, my heart
kickstart my heart."
motley crue
*i would like to add, for the record, i am totally pissed that motley crue is coming to kansas city this summer and i am going to miss them. again. like i did the last time they were here and i was pregnant. i need to stop having babies and they need to tour again next year. damn it!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
to make you feel my love
hey. its me.
your mom. the one who had the best of intentions of posting on a regular basis so you could look back fondly on all the fun things we did in your childhood.
its just, that, well, i am really effing tired lately.
as you well know i am a night owl and usually do my best thinking in the darkness. its just now, those dark hours are spent in bed. usually with my eyes closed.
chasing the two of you around all day and growing your sibling is proving to be quite taxing on my body. my hips feel like they are broken by dinner time, i seriously, need a walker. most nights i am not even remotely interested in things i have dvr'd and you can't even imagine how neglected your poor father is! but here i am, forfeiting a nap this afternoon so i can bring you up to speed on life.
its may now and since my last post, easter has come and gone, prince william got married, osama bin laden is dead, jack's had strep throat, the weather has totally skipped spring and gone straight to 95, we've been to kirksville for the grand opening of grandpa's office, your dad did NOT kill a turkey again this season, you gave me chanel sunglasses for mother's day and i have gained exactly 6 lbs, most of which i am certain have come from my nightly ice cream runs. i feel like if i can't have cocktails, by God, i am going to eat ice cream. a lot of it.
those are all of the really big highlights of the last month but there have been some quieter things happening too. you both have had your half birthdays and i am happy to report you have grown leaps and bounds since turning 1 and 3. jack is now 41 3/4 inches and 34 pounds. vivian is a scrappy 32 inches and 22 pounds. according to iBaby (yes, there's an ap for that!) your sibling is 26 weeks old, 14 inches long and weighs about 1lb 14oz- and is always having a tap dancing party on my ribs. (oh what a feeling! we're dancing on the ceiling!) i won't even tell you how much weight i have gained since MY birthday. *sigh*
vivian is starting to talk in sentences, repeating everything and finds great joy in saying "bless you" when anyone sneezes. it is allergy season around here after all, so its happening frequently. her hair is long enough to put in pig tails and she's had two real hair cuts now. she has developed quite a sweet tooth lately and will do just about anything for candy. i bartered with her the other day, poop in the potty would get her some candy. she produced poop, on the living room floor and still thought that warranted a treat! she has got some negotiating skills and i think we are a long way off from not buying diapers.
jack is all in on holidays now, he's a chip off the old lady grandma block. she likes holidays, gives her something to look forward to and decorate for and he is fully on her bandwagon. his vocabulary is blowing up and you're even counting in spanish now. he's a total sack rat like his mother, stays up late and sleeps in, most mornings i have to wake you up around 9. i love that about you. he thought princess catherine was "so pretty" and i couldn't agree more. you loved hunting for easter eggs and killed it at moila's egg hunt this year. you found the egg with the big prize and picked an 8 pack of bubbles so you could share them with your friends. you're having a bit of a hard time with listening and talking back lately, i only anticipate that to get much worse over the years.
your dad will probably kill me for publishing this in my public blog, but it was so funny! last week your dad was on a tangent about something and thought you were out of ear shot. he said "that is just so f**king stupid!" and jack chimed in "uh, daddy. . ." and we both knew what was coming! and then you said "daddy, we don't say STUPID in this house!" whew. by the skin of your teeth, rothy. by the skin of your teeth you didn't get busted. it was hilarious.
jack and i have been listening to adele lately and she does an incredible version of "to make you feel my love." its a song originally written by bob dylan but everything he does is basically inaudible in my opinion. her version is so wrenching and tender, i just love it. although i know its a romantic love song, i can't help but think of the two of you when i hear it. the lyrics resonate so much with me and how i feel about the two of you. i thought about it a lot this mother's day, how i really would do anything for you. i'm so lucky that the two of you came along considering the amount of work and waiting it took for you to arrive. it blows my mind to think God is sending me another one of you to love and how blessed i am to get to be a mom to someone else. i really can't wait to meet you! i am so grateful for jack for making me a mom, so grateful for vivian for making me a better mom and the surprise guest i will be so thankful for the plastic surgery i will need after you!
well, until your dad gets me that housekeeper i want, i am still the guy who does the laundry around here so i better get after it. i am going to really, super try to post more often. super try. until next time. . .
"When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/adele/make_you_feel_my_love.html ]
I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong
I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love"
Bob Dylan
your mom. the one who had the best of intentions of posting on a regular basis so you could look back fondly on all the fun things we did in your childhood.
its just, that, well, i am really effing tired lately.
as you well know i am a night owl and usually do my best thinking in the darkness. its just now, those dark hours are spent in bed. usually with my eyes closed.
chasing the two of you around all day and growing your sibling is proving to be quite taxing on my body. my hips feel like they are broken by dinner time, i seriously, need a walker. most nights i am not even remotely interested in things i have dvr'd and you can't even imagine how neglected your poor father is! but here i am, forfeiting a nap this afternoon so i can bring you up to speed on life.
its may now and since my last post, easter has come and gone, prince william got married, osama bin laden is dead, jack's had strep throat, the weather has totally skipped spring and gone straight to 95, we've been to kirksville for the grand opening of grandpa's office, your dad did NOT kill a turkey again this season, you gave me chanel sunglasses for mother's day and i have gained exactly 6 lbs, most of which i am certain have come from my nightly ice cream runs. i feel like if i can't have cocktails, by God, i am going to eat ice cream. a lot of it.
those are all of the really big highlights of the last month but there have been some quieter things happening too. you both have had your half birthdays and i am happy to report you have grown leaps and bounds since turning 1 and 3. jack is now 41 3/4 inches and 34 pounds. vivian is a scrappy 32 inches and 22 pounds. according to iBaby (yes, there's an ap for that!) your sibling is 26 weeks old, 14 inches long and weighs about 1lb 14oz- and is always having a tap dancing party on my ribs. (oh what a feeling! we're dancing on the ceiling!) i won't even tell you how much weight i have gained since MY birthday. *sigh*
vivian is starting to talk in sentences, repeating everything and finds great joy in saying "bless you" when anyone sneezes. it is allergy season around here after all, so its happening frequently. her hair is long enough to put in pig tails and she's had two real hair cuts now. she has developed quite a sweet tooth lately and will do just about anything for candy. i bartered with her the other day, poop in the potty would get her some candy. she produced poop, on the living room floor and still thought that warranted a treat! she has got some negotiating skills and i think we are a long way off from not buying diapers.
jack is all in on holidays now, he's a chip off the old lady grandma block. she likes holidays, gives her something to look forward to and decorate for and he is fully on her bandwagon. his vocabulary is blowing up and you're even counting in spanish now. he's a total sack rat like his mother, stays up late and sleeps in, most mornings i have to wake you up around 9. i love that about you. he thought princess catherine was "so pretty" and i couldn't agree more. you loved hunting for easter eggs and killed it at moila's egg hunt this year. you found the egg with the big prize and picked an 8 pack of bubbles so you could share them with your friends. you're having a bit of a hard time with listening and talking back lately, i only anticipate that to get much worse over the years.
your dad will probably kill me for publishing this in my public blog, but it was so funny! last week your dad was on a tangent about something and thought you were out of ear shot. he said "that is just so f**king stupid!" and jack chimed in "uh, daddy. . ." and we both knew what was coming! and then you said "daddy, we don't say STUPID in this house!" whew. by the skin of your teeth, rothy. by the skin of your teeth you didn't get busted. it was hilarious.
jack and i have been listening to adele lately and she does an incredible version of "to make you feel my love." its a song originally written by bob dylan but everything he does is basically inaudible in my opinion. her version is so wrenching and tender, i just love it. although i know its a romantic love song, i can't help but think of the two of you when i hear it. the lyrics resonate so much with me and how i feel about the two of you. i thought about it a lot this mother's day, how i really would do anything for you. i'm so lucky that the two of you came along considering the amount of work and waiting it took for you to arrive. it blows my mind to think God is sending me another one of you to love and how blessed i am to get to be a mom to someone else. i really can't wait to meet you! i am so grateful for jack for making me a mom, so grateful for vivian for making me a better mom and the surprise guest i will be so thankful for the plastic surgery i will need after you!
well, until your dad gets me that housekeeper i want, i am still the guy who does the laundry around here so i better get after it. i am going to really, super try to post more often. super try. until next time. . .
"When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/adele/make_you_feel_my_love.html ]
I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong
I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love"
Bob Dylan
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