Friday, July 22, 2011

lightning crashes

its an ironic thing, the way that life and death work, after all there is nothing more natural than either of them. people come, people go, the cycle of life continues every day. late last night my grandmother escaped this world and went on to the next. she has been rotting in a nursing home the last five years, spending at least the last three in a some what vegetated state. she hadn't spoken in ages, was unable to feed or take care of herself. most days we wondered what kept her hanging on and prayed for the day that she would gently fall asleep and not wake up. they say you exit this life, similarly to the way you lived it, and i can't say that my grandmother did this any differently. she liked to have family around and was tilted a bit to the dramatic side. (maybe that is where i get it?) i was all set and scheduled to give birth on monday morning and now i will spend that day burying my grandma nancy.

of all the crummy timing, this was the worst. in the last two weeks we have gotten negative lab results back from my brother's kidney doctor, my dad resigned from his job last monday which means in addition to my dad soon being unemployed, my parents will be moving to a new location AND i got inconclusive results back from my painful amnio yesterday. did i mention its hotter than seven kinds of hell right now too and i have a heat rash on my very pregnant belly? i made my peace with grandma years ago and in my mind she has been gone for a while, but i wasn't prepared for the flood of emotion i have been experiencing today. indeed, God gives you only as much as you can handle but i am calling "PLATE FULL!" right now. i've been trying to maintain some level of composure and keep my stress level down to avoid pre-term labor, the worst thing that could happen is for me to start having contractions. i'm hoping nancy is keeping a watchful eye on baby and me in between doing the waltz with my grandpa.

i have spent the last two days recounting my moments with her, she was very special to me growing up and especially in to adulthood. she was the more nurturing of my two grandmother's, more the story book type. she cooked special meals for me, doted after me and smothered me with kisses. i spent countless hours in college laying on her couch lamenting over boys and my parents. she was the best listener and my biggest cheerleader. it breaks my heart that she never got to meet my children, she would have really gotten a kick out of them. every morning she got up, put her make up on, her bedazzled track suit and always looked like a lady. her hair was done every friday, her nails every two weeks. she liked yogurt for breakfast and made a mean over easy egg. she read the paper every morning, was an early riser and always had a pot of coffee. to this day i haven't had roast beef and noodles that compared to hers and i kick myself that i didn't spend more time in the kitchen with her. she loved hawaii, sweet adalines, singing, dancing and christmas. she liked to talk a lot, never met a stranger and i think most of her income went to at&t. she had seven children and coincidentally had them boy-girl-boy-girl all the way to the very last one. i am not sure what inspired her to do so, but all the boys names start with the letter "D" and all the girls, the letter "C." it was laughable to hear her call for one, screw up the name, and make it damn near through the whole list before she got the correct name. (insert my name starting with the letter "C" as well and sometimes i got thrown into the mix) until the very end, she prided herself on never having a traffic ticket and she loved to go get a diet coke and go for a drive. i loved that about her. sometimes we would just get in the car, grab ice cream and drive all over town. she had a magical way of making me feel like i was the most special, wonderful person in the world! like i was the lucky one to be the favorite grandchild, even though i know she loved us all the same. she was very proud of my father, bragged about him all of the time. i, personally, think he is the best thing she ever did! :)

no matter how old you get, grandparents are very special people. i miss the sparkle and joy she brought to my life. there is a place in my life that will never be that bright again without her there. but i can still hear her voice, her laughter and remember exactly where her arms hit me around the waist when she hugged me. i know that she would want me to focus my energy and thoughts on this baby right now but its hard to do knowing that this part of my life is really officially over. so i am going to give myself the rest of today and tomorrow to just feel bad and miss her; but on sunday i am going to be glad. i am going to be glad that she is no longer suffering. no longer alone in that nursing home. no longer unable to enjoy all of the things she loved. she has moved on to a better place, leaving this world a little dimmer, the next a little brighter. i am going to think about her in the delivery room, knowing that my baby, my lucky baby, is going to have its own personal, newly appointed angel to help usher it into my arms.

i love you and will always miss you, nanetta maxine.

"lightning crashes, a new mother cries
her placenta falls to the floor
the angel opens her eyes
the confusion sets in
before the doctor can even close the door

lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers
belongs now, to the baby down the hall

oh now feel it comin' back again
like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

lightning crashes, a new mother cries
this moment she's been waiting for
the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored iris,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide, hide"

lightning crashes, live

Monday, July 18, 2011

keep on, keepin' on

oh man. i don't know how i have gotten so far removed from blogging, but i can't even remember the last time i posted. its become a nearly daunting task, like when you think of an old friend frequently and know you should call, but its been so long you're almost "afraid" to pick up the phone. in my mind, i blog every night, noting the little things that happen during the day!

today is monday june 18th and by this time in one week, there will be three of you. i have been hesitant to post much about it, but since things are all firmed up now, i feel like the coast is clear. at my 20 week ultrasound they discovered a placenta previa, which basically means the placenta is underneath baby butterscotch. the risk factor involved with that is that if i were to go into labor on my own, i would potentially deliver it first, there by removing the baby's life line. no oxygen, blood or baby support system. the other risk is that i could basically bleed to death! either way, no fun, not safe for either one of us. they were hoping that over the course of a few months, this would rectify itself. it hasn't. now we are having a scheduled c-section three weeks early. i know that people have sections all of the time, but i can't help but be a little nervous and disappointed in all of this news. now we go from having a birth, to having a scheduled surgery. i am not looking forward to having a wound, not being able to pick up my other little people and the restrictions that are coming along with this development. alas, its the safest thing for everyone involved so i am just trying to accept that its out of my hands.

i am getting very excited to meet this little person who has brought so many surprises the last 9 months! and thank God its coming three weeks early because i am so over being pregnant. i have officially gained more weight with this baby than combined the first two! seriously. im waddling something fierce and can't get comfortable most of the day. not to mention that the heat index has been nearly 120 around here lately. fat, pregnant girl + heat = not good! we have been hibernating indoors the majority of the day and don't come out until evenings. then we go directly to the pool and swim for a few hours, having  developed a fun little routine of swimming and ending the night with popsicles. vivian can't manage to get the word "popsicle" out so she just requests bomb pops most nights. i think she is on to us that something is about to change, she has become a real momma's girl and clings to me most of the day. its bittersweet in that its nice she likes me but a real pain that she won't go to anyone else. her days as the baby are numbered!

we brought the bassinet and changing table into our room and vivian put all her dolls and blankets into the bed. i think i am going to keep a very close eye on her and the baby! she might become quite the little helper. jack on the other hand, seems to be very excited for the birth of his new sibling. most days he says butterscotch is a girl and there seems to be a genuine level of excitement with him. i think he, too, is ready for me to not be pregnant anymore since i am constantly uncomfortable and lounge around a lot. getting down on the ground to side walk chalk is next to impossible! i am so grateful we can still swim so i am not a complete dud of a mother. i am hopeful neither of them will remember how lethargic and useless i am right now.

this pregnancy i have been really into seltzer water with lots of fresh squeezed lime, lavender essential oils and ice cream. i've had no real cravings, though i would certainly be killing the tomatoes in the back yard if they would ever ripen. i probably have 100 green tomatoes out there and have only had ONE red one all summer. i got a little over ambitious with the plantings this summer but thought if i was going to grow things, i might as well really GROW things. they will probably all turn next week when i am in the hospital. . .

jack and vivian are in the middle of a growth spurt, we had to go and buy everyone new tennis shoes today. we love new shoes around here. vivian is speaking in compete sentences and the terrible twos are rapidly approaching. just today randy noted that she was probably going to spend a lot of time in time out! she now yells "i want it," "NOW!" and "NO!" its not so charming. she is virtually potty trained thanks to determination on my part and lots of m & m rewards. it will be so nice to not have to buy quite as many diapers!

jack is ready for preschool to start next month and is becoming a real big boy! he took swimming lessons this summer and can now "swim" with a life jacket on. its more floating with style, but he is getting the jest of it. he learned last week that he cannot, in fact, "swim" on his own and without the jacket; but it has provided him some freedom and i don't have to stay right on top of two children while we are in the pool.  they both really love to go potty outside when we are at the pool- a nifty little trick your dad started letting you do. vivian is very confused that she doesn't have a penis, nothing to hold on to when she goes potty. she reaches around and looks between her legs, desperate to produce a stream with the same magnitude jack does. he got a little "cocky" with his stream the other night and was bragging to grandpa, "watch this!" making it go up and down. while he was in the middle of boasting and not pay attention, he managed to piss right in his own face, mouth included! grandpa was laughing so hard, i thought for certain HE too was going to wet his own pants. ah, boys.

other than that, i have nothing profound to note! this is probably a really disappointing posting. we have just been keep on, keepin' on and trying to make it until things resume to our version of normal. i'm not so sure i am ready to have a newborn baby and two other children under the age of 4 but i am, indeed, so ready to no longer be pregnant. i can practically taste the sushi and martinis already! hopefully i will manage to slide one or two more posts into this week but there is a good chance the next post will be about your new sibling!

let the games begin!