big squeeze

for the first time in a very long time, i felt so compelled to log on and blog tonight. of course, i had to resubmit for a new password and try to remember how blogger even worked; but here we are.

i sat in the bath tub tonight, like i have so many nights the last few months feeling guilty about not keeping up with our lives. the thing is, we've endured a lot as a family and i, myself, have endured things so raw i just wasn't ready to put them on paper. perhaps because it's like a exposed nerve and writing about it makes it all so very real and most days i am just trying to weather the storm. don't get me wrong, most of these things have been really beautiful, wonderful things. . . in the long run. . . but man, the daily grind of just getting through it has been more than i can bare by 9 pm.

i deduced it to aging. last year i was just up and in project mode by this time of night, had nursed a baby and put her back to bed and was up to my roxy antics. this year, i get everyone bathed and in bed, then i clean a layer of sheetrock and saw dust from our floors, and try to keep my eyes open long enough flip through a few magazines.

its been a very long year.

and your'e all getting smarter, your grasp and scope of the world is getting sharper, more focused. (like tiny ninjas! that are learning to spell!) it has been difficult to shield you from a recent horrific thing that happened last week. a mentally ill young man opened fire on an elementary school leaving twenty-ish children, just jack's age, dead.

we've been without cable since we moved (more on that moving business later!) and i had lasik eye surgery the day before the massacre and i feel like in His own special way, God was shielding me from the grief, the fear.

i started seeing more clearly yesterday and read more than i should have, viewed more photos than necessary and i haven't been the same ever since. i wept quietly this morning making jack's breakfast thinking of how frightening it is to send you away to school today, a place i normally feel safe leaving you.  i tried not to draw attention to myself and blamed it on the eye surgery; the last thing i need is BOTH of us feeling uncertain about you being away from me.

of course, i rallied, because that's all i have been doing for months, we got ourselves together and we sang "tomorrow" from annie at the top of our lungs on the way to st paul.

i picked you up three short hours later, in great condition and no worse for the wear.

what bums me out the most about these situations that keep occurring in the world, is that we endure them, we move on, but life is never exactly the same. i'm more skeptical, more over-protective and more frightened of the world we live in. BUT, clinging to my faith, what i learn from these situations is how valuable the human life is, what a gift every single day is with you and singular moments are what make up a life time of memories.

beware, i am going to hold you all tighter for quite some time. i intend to linger longer at school in the morning. i am going to kiss you. . . a lot and tell you "i love you" until you are annoyed. and we are going to pray for those families, those teachers, that community and our country to see us through this very difficult time. i cannot imagine the pain they are suffering.

we have much catching up to do on the snoop-bloggy-blog and i am going to try really hard to stay awake and get back on it.

i love you. i love you more. i love you the most.


-mommy

tim ramsey public service announcement :)

this is not the blog you all were waiting for (sorry!) but that will come soon, i promise!

i just wanted to post a little public service announcement regarding tim! there is a good possibility he is going to be able to come home from the hospital this evening and we are all so happy about it! he is exhausted and ready to sleep in his own bed. night after night of people poking and picking on you doesnt lend itself to very much rest.

many people have been asking me what and where they could send something, so i thought i would cover all basis through one post. apparently, flowers and plants are sprayed with a preservative that can cause complications and even rejection! so, unless you would like for me to enjoy a lovely arrangement, that route is not a good option. he is also being sent home with some dietary restrictions- bummer~! what you could send him though, is a whole bunch of love in the way of a card! there is nothing better than snail mail and seeing a person's handwriting! i have also been suggesting CVS gift cards or hy-vee gift cards so he could have groceries delivered to his home. he is going to be on lock down for some time due to immunosupresants and that is one less thing for him to have to worry about!

words cannot express the gratitude and love my family has felt the last five days. there is no question that this all coming together was truly a miracle and it was only reinforced by all of your prayers. he has a pretty rough 6 months ahead of him, but i have no doubt, with your continued support and his motivation he is going to do just fantastic!

from the very bottom of my swelling heart, thank you, thank you, thank you!

if you'd like to mail tim something you can send it here:

tim ramsey
403 s 31st street
saint joseph, mo 64506

sugar and spice

i don't know why, the days you all are the biggest jerkface's, seem to be the days i am most introspective about motherhood. perhaps, its because we have to go through the valleys to appreciate the summits. or perhaps its because, after a very long monday and enough of the three of you, i found this when i went in to check on you:

the big ones share a room with their own beds, but tonight i found you two snuggled up in a single twin bed. for all those shadows of doubts i have about being a parent and doing right by you, these are the moments that sum up all the hard work and strife. 

its the middle of august and after having the entire month of july be hotter than seven kinds of hell, the mornings have turned cool and crisp. its exactly the feeling of back to school. no matter how old you get, its a familiar feeling, one that makes me want new shoes, a fancy back pack and never-been-used pens. vivian started preschool at ucp last week and i surprised myself at how emotional i was about it. i had no reservations about her adaptability or aptitude, but something felt so different about her starting school versus jack starting last year. 

the thing about you, little bug, is that you have such a big personality. . .

and you were really excited about going to school. we even celebrated after your back-to-school night by having a pizza party with your friends. . .

so when the big day came, i knew you were ready. i knew you were excited. and i was excited for you.

you're enthusiasm was evident initially and we were rolling with it but then in the blink of an eye, you looked different to me. . .

standing there, with your hair blowing, big red bow at full attention, you suddenly appeared so small to me. your pink leopard print backpack dwarfed you and its rare to see you so presitine! you looked like a two year old full of anticipation and uncertainty all at the same time. you clutched pink bunny tightly, your faithful security blanket, and out of no where, your larger than life personality dimmed and my independent little toe head looked very vulnerable. 

it's a side of you i am not used to seeing. after all, you're the fearless little girl who leaps across the monkey bars, the first to hop on the parallel bars at gymnastics and you rarely shed a tear after the several times a day you wipe out. it was a humbling and sacred moment for me, as your mommy, and a nice reminder of how tender and special you are. sugar and spice, and everything nice, that's what you are my little bug and i wouldn't have you any other way. 

i am happy to recollect, that your first day went "perfect," as you exclaimed to me when i picked you up! you seemed to thrive in that environment and were happy as a little clam. you told me all about toodles, the class bunny rabbit and how you "chased him all day, momma" and that he "scratched you, but it only hurt a little bit." i am afraid dear mr toodles doesn't know what he's in for and that no one informed him lenny was coming to town. 

i hope he's a fast rabbit and i hope you stop growing up so quickly. 

it had to be the chicken?

John 15:12
This is my commandment, that you love one another, as i have loved you.


clearly its been a while since i have been motivated to write twice in one week, but i literally had to get out of the bath tub tonight to get a few things off my chest. there has been a storm brewing in the united states today and its all over a little chain of chicken restaurants. the ceo and founder's son of chic fila was asked about their stance on marriage and he declared that they upheld "traditional marriage"- meaning the biblical sort, a man and a woman. its sent the nation into a tizzy, gays are boycotting, bible thumpers are practically living at chic fila and an entire separate movement has gone into effect, supporting the first amendment of free speech. i've been so hot and cold on this all, that its taken me nearly 7 hours to put together a real stance on it.

i updated my facebook status tonight with "i love gays! i love breeders! i love that chic fil a has an aquarium for my children! and i love living in a country that allows freedom of speech!"

the long and short of this, for me, is that, we are in a politically charged year and everything is becoming an "issue" and everything is becoming a "this side or that side" deal. here are the things i know to be true about all of this:

• chic fil a has built itself on christian values and its part of the reason i like to take my family there. its a friendly, accommodating environment with good food and a little glass tank filled with a play area. it virtually screams "FAMILY!" they are so christian that they aren't even open on sundays! actually, i am surprised they don't put tiny bibles in the kids meals. they are the christian ritz carltons of restaurants. the fact that anyone is surprised by this company's stance on a traditional, biblical family, blows my mind. how is anyone shocked? 
• secondly, one of the greatest things about living in this country is that we are allowed to say whatever we want and believe whatever we want. we have the freedom of religion, the freedom of speech, the freedom to be whomever you want to be. this is what sets our country apart from the rest of the world and makes us great! he can say and believe whatever he likes and we don't have to like it, believe it or support his business. how great is that? i mean, really! how great is that? 

i have thought about this all day long and at the end of the day, at the end of this day, i think the bottom line is, that if we all believe in God and follow his teachings, then the big lesson is to love one another and to respect one another. 

there is all this talk, both politically and socially, about what a "traditional" family is. i am so over this subject. 

so. over. it.

i believe in a God that doesn't make mistakes. a God that makes people individual, special and unique in their own right. a God that says live without judgement and doesn't have an exception line for "gays." i believe that a "family" is comprised of loving individuals, those born into it and those selected to join. my closest family members aren't even blood, they are the life lines i have selected because of love and the place they live in my heart. 

your dad and i both have cousins that are gay and a few more that hide in the closet, i suspect. when i look at them or think about them, i wish all of the things i wish for myself and my non "gay" family members. i want them to be happy, to love, to be loved, to have a family, in whatever form that is. as a mother, i think i will always have ideals for myself of what your life should look like, but ultimately, i just really hope you find someone who loves you as much as i do. i don't really care about the shape or details of that, but someone who sees into your soul and loves you for all of the beautiful things that you are. 

the three of you are born into a politically charged family of republicans. i like to think i dance the line between being fiscally republican, socially democratic and aloof enough to not care. your dad's favorite political saying is, "if you're 18 and not a democrat, you have no heart. if you re 28 and not a republican, you have no brain." we are lucky enough to live in a country where we even have a choice!

i hope when you're day comes to make these big decisions and to take a stance; you do so with your heart, without judgement or preconceived notions. i pray that you are a christian in all that you do and don't decipher the bible according to your own agenda. i hope you don't pick and choose bible versus to live by, but always revert back to "God is love" and do so with the best of intentions. i hope you are kind and respect the freedoms we have as americans and never take those for granted. i hope you have enough character to make a freaking decision for yourself, to form your own opinion and don't just believe the nonsense on television or regurgitate information you hear from others. love unconditionally. shoot from the hip, follow your heart and above all, don't ever mess with a good piece of chicken.

"what the world needs now is love, sweet love
it's the only thing that there's just too little of
what the world needs now is love, sweet love, 
no not just for some but for everyone."


burt bacharach

easy e turns one!

sugar and spice and everything nice!

i remember growing up watching some of my friend's mothers become overly emotional at our events and thinking to myself "what in the hell are they crying about?" i have the kind of mother that rarely shows those type of emotions; she is more the cheerleader/clown type of mom. in fact, there are probably only a handful of times i have ever even seen my mother cry.

i, however, am not that type of a mom.

sweet little eleanor (rigby) christine turned one year old last week and i found myself choking back tears the day before, the day of and the day after her birthday. i've found motherhood to be a most bittersweet ride; my heart lies torn between joy of the foreword movement and a bit heartbroken for the things we leave behind. i am so happy that she is a year old, she is happy, she is perfect and healthy. but a big part of me can't believe this little baby is turning into a toddler! every day she becomes more independent, more sure of herself, slimmer and looks less and less like a smooshy infant. and i find myself crying at nearly every change!

there are a few things i can tell you about the biggest and best surprise of my entire life:

one year old eleanor is 26 1/4 inches tall and weighs 18 pounds. she giggles all of the time, which reveals a toothy grin, including a perfect gap between her two front teeth. she has two darling dimples she got from grandma. she curious and dramatic. she is easy and content. she makes the funniest faces! not unlike her siblings at this age, she is infatuated with the dog. she spends most of her day following jack or neko around. she likes to pull hair and throw things from her highchair. she says two words- "uh oh" and "hi." she can wave and tell you no by shaking her hand at you. also like her siblings, she is far too independent to cuddle, is constantly moving and loves to explore. she is the perfect hybrid between jack and vivian and i see so much of both of them in our bonus baby.

she is the apple of my eye and has brought our family immeasurable joy!

i love you so much that i want to squeeze you constantly and i think my heart my burst with happiness some times when i think about what a blessing you are!

happy first birthday sweet, sweet baby eleanor!

in honor of your birthday we had a backyard birthday bash, complete with family and a few friends. we did a circus party complete with clown suits and a popcorn machine! you loved your birthday "smash" cake and sucked the icing off your fingers. it was a fantastic night and a perfect way to celebrate you! the lovely miss allison spent an entire week crafting pom poms for your party. we had all circus foods, hot dogs, nachos, cotton candy and of course, pop corn! everyone swam, rode the cars and played on the swingset. you were all filthy and exhausted by the end of the night!