Tuesday, May 17, 2011

darling nikki

there is something about pregnancy and nikki sixx that just seem to go together for me. i know that is a random statement and i am sure if he were to ever read it he would certainly be frightened by seeing his name and "pregnancy" together. its weird. and its haunting.

by the time you two (three!) are old enough to read these books, you will be more than aware that i love 80's hair metal. in fact, i love it so much, i wish i was just about five or ten years older so i really could have raged. i went to my first motley crue concert in 7th grade with my older cousin, eric, and some of his friends. to this day, i am a little surprised my mother let me go, but she did and i had a smashing time. i remember hearing motley crue on the radio back then and loving them, but nothing like i have in my 30's.

during my first pregnancy, i had the sweetest little bmw x5. it was black and it was fast. i would put on "kick start my heart" and as the guitar would accelerate, so would i. the music would get louder and louder and i played it on a loop. i felt so lousy most of that pregnancy, it was one of those weird things that made me feel normal, made me feel like me. the music would pound through my chest and i found it so reassuring and "me." the thing about pending parenthood, is that you know things are going to drastically change and consume your life; but its frightening that some how the "you" that "you" know can get lost. my body and mind were going through all of these changes that didn't seem to be effecting randy and the only thing that brought me back to center was that guitar riff.

in my last trimester, angela bought me "the heroin diaries," nikki's first book/diary. i read it cover to cover in the days leading up to delivery. it was all about frankie going to hollywood and the roller coaster ride he endured through drug dependency. it took me out of my own head and into his sick and twisted world. the beauty of that deal, was the happy ending. he came out more evolved and omniscient because of it; but the thing that stuck with me the most was just that he freaking survived! once again, hard to find nikki sixx= pregnancy but in those moments i was looking for some inspiration on survival.

i feel like its important to note, that during my second pregnancy, nikki wasn't so present. i got a little tangled up with some vampire novels during that time frame; which might explain why vivian is nocturnal and bites all of the time. . .

moving on to pregnancy number three and now nikki comes out with a much anticipated second book, "this is gonna hurt." it features his photography and journaling. i bought it on my ipad and have highlighted so many quotations from it! who would have ever thought a pregnant mother of two, living in a missouri suburb would find so many inspiring things from an eccentric, outspoken rock star? i find his art captivating, unsettling at times, but i think that is what he is going for. there is a certain something about him that likes to shock and awe; i totally get that about him. its thought provoking and in the hum-drums of life, something we all need. while i don't agree with everything he says or feels, it makes me think.

so here we are again. just me, nikki sixx and a cooking baby. he shows up in my facebook news feed, my dreams and i am happy to have him there. he's a refreshing reminder that life is beautiful and while i will never be the same me i am today, there is the potential for me, too, to become more evolved, provoked and omniscient.

"when i get high
i get high on speed
top fuel funny car's 
a drug for me

my heart, my heart
kickstart my heart."

motley crue

*i would like to add, for the record, i am totally pissed that motley crue is coming to kansas city this summer and i am going to miss them. again. like i did the last time they were here and i was pregnant. i need to stop having babies and they need to tour again next year. damn it!

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