Saturday, August 20, 2011

the landslide

"is this the real life?
is this just fantasy?
caught in a landslide,
no escape from reality."


if i could have recalled how to do algebra the way that i can recall lyrics, i am certain i would not have flunked it twice in college. its weird the way that a lyric will pop into my head at just the right moment in time. i have been thinking the last couple of weeks about how to define this particular season in my life and for some reason "the landslide" keeps popping up.

i feel like i am living in this bittersweet time slip right now, torn between stumbling through the day in a zombie like haze and then finding myself unable to close my eyes in fear that i might miss a single moment of this sweet newborn baby bliss. is it real life? is it a fantasy? what is love? can i handle the seasons of my life? can everything in the world be so perfect, so pure and yet, so exhausting? sometimes i just stare at you, eleanor, and can't believe you are here. what an amazing miracle after all of the effort and heartache it took to get jack and vivian here; and then poof! like magic, like true love, like all the best things about randy and i produced this tiny little bundle of joy. could you be any more perfect?

because this time goes so quickly and you are changing daily, let me tell you a little bit about nearly-four-week old eleanor. you are tiny, oh, so tiny. your hair is starting to fill in on the top and you're gaining control of your neck. your favorite place to reside is on my chest and now you're raising your little head to meet my gaze. i see you, baby girl! i really see you, like i am staring right into those blue eyes and i can see your soul. you are starting to find your voice, crying more aggressively when i don't come quick enough. you're nursing every three hours like clock work and we are getting our dance figured out. it turns out that not only was i meant to work at hooters once upon a time, but i was made to breast feed a baby. in fact, i am pretty sure i could end hunger or at least feed an entire nursery full of babies! so, i've got that going for us and you are growing and gaining weight just like you should be. you are a content and relaxed baby, happiest in the noisy chaos of our house.

you are a very good baby! and i fall more and more in love with you every day!

knowing that eleanor is my last baby, my pleasant little surprise guest, makes this landslide most enchanting! i know that too soon you will be sleeping through the night and you won't wake me with your little grunting pig noises. we won't have those tender moments together in the middle of the night, when the house is quiet and there is just enough dim light in the room to highlight your little face. you look like an angel all snuggled in as close as i can get you to me. soon enough, the binkie will be enough to pacify you when you feel lonely and we will both sleep alone through the night. and before i can blink my eye, you will be a "big" little girl like vivian, who grabs her binkie, her pink bunny and requests to go ni-night on her own. just like her, you will grow before my very eyes! i can hardly believe that little tiny bug is now 22 months old and TALKS to me. then before we know it, you will be like jack, reasoning with me and independent. you will dress yourself, bath yourself and be anxious to go to preschool. you will become your own person, no longer a little growth that happily lives on my chest.

i am going to savor every sleepy moment of this landslide because before i know it you will not be a baby anymore. i'm going to slow down and continue to enjoy the in between time- the time between going back to work, life resuming to a normal schedule and this time, the time that daddy lets me sleep in with you until ten am and takes your siblings away in the evening, so i can rock quietly and get to know you. you will grow up too soon, be independent and fabulous, all of the things i want for you! things i want for all three of you! but for now i am going to soak in your milky breath, your heavenly scent, your petal soft skin. when i am an old woman, these will be the moments i will cherish, rocking a sweet, slumbering baby. if you could just stay small for a while, this mommy would really appreciate it.

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know, I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
Because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

So, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

Fleetwood Mack 

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