Monday, December 17, 2012

big squeeze

for the first time in a very long time, i felt so compelled to log on and blog tonight. of course, i had to resubmit for a new password and try to remember how blogger even worked; but here we are.

i sat in the bath tub tonight, like i have so many nights the last few months feeling guilty about not keeping up with our lives. the thing is, we've endured a lot as a family and i, myself, have endured things so raw i just wasn't ready to put them on paper. perhaps because it's like a exposed nerve and writing about it makes it all so very real and most days i am just trying to weather the storm. don't get me wrong, most of these things have been really beautiful, wonderful things. . . in the long run. . . but man, the daily grind of just getting through it has been more than i can bare by 9 pm.

i deduced it to aging. last year i was just up and in project mode by this time of night, had nursed a baby and put her back to bed and was up to my roxy antics. this year, i get everyone bathed and in bed, then i clean a layer of sheetrock and saw dust from our floors, and try to keep my eyes open long enough flip through a few magazines.

its been a very long year.

and your'e all getting smarter, your grasp and scope of the world is getting sharper, more focused. (like tiny ninjas! that are learning to spell!) it has been difficult to shield you from a recent horrific thing that happened last week. a mentally ill young man opened fire on an elementary school leaving twenty-ish children, just jack's age, dead.

we've been without cable since we moved (more on that moving business later!) and i had lasik eye surgery the day before the massacre and i feel like in His own special way, God was shielding me from the grief, the fear.

i started seeing more clearly yesterday and read more than i should have, viewed more photos than necessary and i haven't been the same ever since. i wept quietly this morning making jack's breakfast thinking of how frightening it is to send you away to school today, a place i normally feel safe leaving you.  i tried not to draw attention to myself and blamed it on the eye surgery; the last thing i need is BOTH of us feeling uncertain about you being away from me.

of course, i rallied, because that's all i have been doing for months, we got ourselves together and we sang "tomorrow" from annie at the top of our lungs on the way to st paul.

i picked you up three short hours later, in great condition and no worse for the wear.

what bums me out the most about these situations that keep occurring in the world, is that we endure them, we move on, but life is never exactly the same. i'm more skeptical, more over-protective and more frightened of the world we live in. BUT, clinging to my faith, what i learn from these situations is how valuable the human life is, what a gift every single day is with you and singular moments are what make up a life time of memories.

beware, i am going to hold you all tighter for quite some time. i intend to linger longer at school in the morning. i am going to kiss you. . . a lot and tell you "i love you" until you are annoyed. and we are going to pray for those families, those teachers, that community and our country to see us through this very difficult time. i cannot imagine the pain they are suffering.

we have much catching up to do on the snoop-bloggy-blog and i am going to try really hard to stay awake and get back on it.

i love you. i love you more. i love you the most.


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