Wednesday, June 19, 2013

take my picture

i like to take pictures of you guys. a LOT of pictures of you guys. almost to the point of being annoying. tonight, as i was putting jack into bed, he asked me to rock him and i jumped at the chance!

its rare for me to have one-on-one bedtime rituals but this week jack is attending vacation bible school so he got home late and the girls were already in bed. we brushed your teeth, trimmed your nails and talked about what you learned tonight. you learned that the united kingdom existed and you marveled that your parents went there on our honeymoon. we started for your room and a quiet, teary, tired voice said, "mommy, will you rock me?" i had just thought to myself, as i hoisted you to the bathroom sink, how big you had gotten and how sad i am that one day, you will be so big i cannot pick you up. naturally, i was excited for the opportunity to have this alone time with you. the thing about you and i, jack, is we've always had each other. you were my first and at one time my only. you taught me how to be a mom. vivian has her pink bunny, eleanor has bunny foo foo and senor frog; but you, you've always had me. i love these night time moments with you.

i sat down and you tried to assume the normal position, but you have grown and we had to worm our way around until you fit on my lap. your long legs hung off the side of the chair and you had one arm behind me, one around me. i rocked and you snuggled in. i leaned in and nuzzled my nose against your forehead. you smelled like only a little boy does in the summer; of sweat and dirt, fresh cut grass and popsicles. i breathed you in. it was this moment that lump in my throat developed and i had that thought again. . .

"you will never be this little again!" 

that bittersweet feeling i have from time to time, when life slows down enough to catch it. i tried to take it all in, how your body felt, the sound of your rhythmic breathing, the softness of your hair.

and then, i panicked.

how am i supposed to remember all of this? how this feels? how can i capture this for eternity and never forget?

and i started thinking back.

back to when you were smaller. an infant. a toddler. a four year old! like something that sits on the tip of your tongue, i could remember it but not see it fully. i remember the feeling, the feelings, but its become more fragmented and less vivid.

this single moment was a reminder of why i take pictures and why i should continue to do so, even if it is annoying. the pictures help piece it all together! it feels like life is moving faster than my internal shutter can capture it, and i am so grateful to have all of these photographs to help remind me.

thank you for asking me to rock you tonight, pal, and making me slow down to enjoy little five-and-a-half year old you. maybe daddy will get us a bigger rocking chair.

"could you take my picture,
'cuz i won't remember
could you take my picture, 
'cuz i won't remember, yeah"

filter, take my picture

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