they say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single footstep, but some where in translation they failed to add "bourbon" and a "password reset." or such is the case with this new, or revisited, journey with me and this blog.
i can't even begin to tell you how many moments have been spent lamenting over my epic fail with this blog. something really great would come to mind; a story, a thought, a funny moment in our lives; and i just lacked the motivation or time or energy to sit down and put pen to paper. I'm pretty disappointed in myself because my intention with this blog was never personal, but done as an archive of our life for my kids.
consider this an introduction, to me, to us, to our blog. you'll find my writing style confusing at times because i tend to bounce between first and third person. i began this as a journal TO my kids and often times write directly to them in here; but i have also allowed others to peek into our world and sometimes outwardly speak to them. its like bridging that fourth wall in the theater. i sometimes don't know boundaries with my audience. . . which, as it turns out, makes sense, because boundaries are some times hard for me in general. (see ALL previous posts!) in addition to my some what confusing and unconventional writing style, i use exclusively lower case letters unless i am being EMPHATIC! it started out as something that i did because it really annoyed your dad, and then just kinda stuck. (see what i did there, you thought i was talking to you, right?) so anyway, those are some notable things to mention stylistically as you, as we, move forward on this endeavor again.
randy gave me a significant pep talk this weekend about making this a priority again and i am going to give it my best shot. hold me accountable, encourage me, remind me of all the reasons this is worth while. i found new motivation this weekend. . .
its so crazy how sometimes in moments of darkness, we can find light. i sadly attended the funeral of Larry Hausman this weekend and sat through the service giving passing glances at his family. all of them, just sitting there; grieving, remembering, laughing, sharing moments of joy and recollecting the sorrow.
my family has a long history with the Hausman's, my mother's father, Verne, was a sheet metal worker and worked for their family for years. i have heard so many stories over the years about how ornery the Hausman boys were and what fun my mom had with them growing up. it was hard to not smile and giggle as the minister was telling the stories. ornery indeed. he went through the letters of his name, with each letter having a meaning. clearly there are 5 letters in his name but the two that had the most lasting impressions on me were L- for laborer, because of my family's ties and R- for renegade because boy was he ever. he mentioned that larry loved fireworks and water skiing, and in that moment, i KNEW why my mom loved larry.
i went to the graveside service and it was a beautiful day. the kind of day that would have been nice for him to be on the lake, being pulled behind a boat on a water ski. i found solace in that. they were to conclude his service with a firework salute, that turned out to be kind of a "dud." i almost had a visual of how he would have reacted to that. you see, those firework people, like my mom and larry, take that stuff very seriously and it almost always works exactly like they have in their mind its going to work. bigger! louder! MORE BOOM! but that "dud" was a subtle reminder of life, and things, not always going the way expected them to. larry's death was one of those things that didn't go the way anyone expected it to.
as i drove home, i had a complete cascade of emotion and i felt really badly about that "dud." i pulled into my garage, got out of the car and i passed a brown paper bag filled with left over fourth of july fireworks! i couldn't help but smile and almost think to myself that larry himself had intended for me to walk in its path.
suddenly, it no longer mattered that those final moments didn't go as planned. the lesson in all of that for me became so clear; larry lived his WHOLE LIFE as a firework! he was the kinda guy that did light up the night! and much like the report of a bottle rocket, he made sure his presence was known! i found this quote that made me think of him:
"we've always been about burning stars. all about us is unearthly and radiant." -anna akhmatova
can you even imagine the fireworks he is seeing now in heaven!? WOW!
as all of this settled into my psyche, it became evident i have not been doing my best to "light it up"- so here i am. perhaps with renewed fire and boom because of larry's life. i'm ready to leave behind the sparklers, and come for the fireworks! what a wonderful gift for him to leave on the ground.
they concluded larry's funeral with "unforgettable" by nat king cole, and he was, indeed unforgettable, but this summer, Friday and i are going to turn on some Katy Perry and we are going to light the night up in his honor. thanks for the inspiration, larry, we will make you proud.
it only takes a spark, to get a fire going.
"baby, you're a firework. come on, show 'em what you're worth! make 'em go, 'aah, aah, aah' as you shoot across the sky-y-y! baby, you're a firework! come on let your colors burst! make 'em go, 'aah, aah, aah' you're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe!" - katy perry