monkey on my back

there is a whole ridiculous list of things i said i would never do as a parent BEFORE i was actually a parent. one of those being, i would never let my child sleep with me. NEVER. its funny how all that changes at the end of a long, exhausting day when you are out of "the fight." i'm too tired to argue, too tired to get up and send jack back to his bed and too tired to explain why a tornado is not going to take our house away every time it storms. some nights, most nights, in fact, its easier to tuck you in next to me and fall asleep. randy prefers falling asleep to the television and i have to have complete darkness and silence; so this scenario has been working out alright for us lately. daddy gets to watch horrible movies like "the fast and the furious," jack gets to feel like all is right in his little bubble and i don't have to listen to randy snore or wrangle jack back into his own bed.

lately, however, jack has become something of a velcro child, adhering himself to my back like a little capuchin monkey. he wants to sleep on my pillow and as close as humanly possible to me. i am not sure if its in light of all the recent tornado coverage we've been watching or that i let you watch the entire thriller video this week? (parental fail!) you weren't a huge fan of michael jackson turning into a werewolf, but found the dancing zombies hilarious. how was i supposed to see that coming? you're such a mature little package, i some times forget that things might frighten you. . . or not. . . because i remember the first time i saw that video and the creepy dead guy with oozing green coming from his mouth was pretty scary, not so much funny! anyways, between jack and the surprise guest, i am being made uncomfortable by TWO children now at night. the baby is so busy at night, there is certainly a party of some sort going on in there. if its current night owl tendencies are any indication of what is to come, i am going to be up most of the night with an active newborn. i suppose none of it really matters since i am up every two hours to go to the bathroom anyways! there truly is no rest for the wicked!

also this week, we went to omaha for a quick over night trip and to the zoo. we swam in the hotel pool the night before, wearing everyone out. you two and daddy fell asleep at 9:30 and i laid there awake until at least one in the morning. i could hear each of you breathing, vivian rolling into the side of her pack and play, jack talking in his sleep and daddy snoring. it was a long miserable night for me and this new found pregnancy "symptom" of restless legs kept me up. i'm not really even sure how or why it happens but it is miserable. i will add it to the long, tragic list i am keeping to justify why you all should pay for my plastic surgery later in life-- i have sacrificed and suffered for you. *wink*

the zoo was great, we picked a glorious day to go. it was 80 degrees, sunny and breezy. beautiful. we all had a really great time. no matter how old i get or how many times i have seen some of these amazing animals, i can't help but be captivated by their splendor. my favorite part was the bottom of the desert dome, it is a creepy, crawly kinda place where things go bump in the night. there were several different species of bats, freaked the hell out of your dad, but i found them fascinating. its a rare thing to see them doing what they do in a some what natural habitat. i also really loved the swamp area, it was strait out of the bayou, complete with an albino alligator. amazing. you all seemed to really love the penguins the best, there was one in particular that put on a spectacular show. he was swimming extremely fast and twisting, turning and jumping out of the water. a show off indeed and he was impressive.

i was the first that day to wear out and by the time we hit the gorilla house i was ready to hit the road. i had waddled far enough for the day. after five wonderful hours of fun, we hopped in the car and returned home. you two slept the entire two hour journey, a rarity because you both usually refuse to sleep in the car.

it was a thing of silent, blissful beauty. . . if only my nights were equally as tranquil.

charismatic character

i just got out of the bathtub and read a snippit in a magazine about character and charisma. its funny how things stick with you and can sum up a moment. previous to this bathtub soak, we had gone to a family dinner at the benton club, hosted by sara stein and carrie murphey. its intent was to do something family oriented benefiting the recent victims of the horrific tornadoes that just struck joplin, missouri. when i got the invitation i was so struck by this kind hearted gesture, i immediately told sara we would be there. she said she was prompted to do this, because of how close this tragedy hit to home, not only by proxy, but it is a community not unlike our own.

as you might imagine, tonight was a bit chaotic with at least 10 children under the age of five, but the food was good, the company even better and the cause so worthy. it was laid back and fun and i sat there admiring my friend, sara. here is the thing about her, and i imagine by the time you two read this, there will be a long history with "miss sara," but she is really like no other person i have met. when we began our friendship, i thought she was such a breath of fresh air to our sleepy little circle. she is bubbly, full of life and i always call her the cruise director. she's a real "the more the merrier" kind of person and embraces everyone. her personality is effervescent, contagious and enthusiastic- she is without a doubt, charismatic.

this article i was reading spoke about how character and charisma are two separate things, although a lot of times they appear to go hand in hand. you naturally assume that a person who lights up a room is full of "do the right thing" character, but such is not always the case. this really got me thinking about the two (three) of you and your stamp on the world. its really charming to be the kind of person who's light fills the room, but its so much more important to be the kind of person who shines brightly when no one is looking. sara is without a doubt this kind of person and i hope so badly, that you all will be just as sparkly.

my mom always said "its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice." if she said it once, she said it a thousand times and i don't really think it hit home until i was near my thirties. charisma will take you to a level or height, but character will keep you there or bring you down.

be charismatic in your personality and strong in your character, it will serve you well.

sh*t happens

they say shit happens. today, it happened a lot at my house.

my absolute worst fear, aside from bodily harm to one of my children, has always been the independent diaper removal scenerio. i should have known it would happen with my rotten, little blue eyed girl.

she was awfully quiet after family nap time today and i thought she had fallen asleep. finally, i heard her chirping so i thought i would go get her. opening the door i immediatly knew she had pooped her pants, the stench was horrific. as i walked closer to the crib she sweetly said "oh, no, MESS!"

OH NO! MESS!?!?!?!?

her hands, feet, hair, face and entire body were crusted with baby shit. it was all over the crib, the bedding, the wall, her bunny. dis-gust-ing. she just sat there looking at me, waiting for a reaction. i was literally speechless. my worst parenting fear had come to fruition. *deep breath* i had not anticipated the hour long clean up procedure that was to follow, i had to scrub every inch of her nasty little body. by the grace of God, rothy was on his way home from atlanta and was nearly at the house. he stripped the bed and started everything in the washing machine while i wrangled the poop machine.

she seemed so smug and proud of herself when i helped her tell her daddy what she had done. this child is going to do me in, i am just certain of it. from now on, no more unfinished basements for vivian. she is going to be locked and loaded in a onsie until she is 12. i might even start duct taping her diapers when she is left alone to her own devices.

as if that weren't enough fun for the day, the dog also decided this was also an appropriate time to shit in the hallway. even more awesomeness. it's days like today that i am really thankful to be married to a pseudo janitor that doesn't get grossed out by bodily functions.

oh calgon, you cannot take me far enough away tonight!

darling nikki

there is something about pregnancy and nikki sixx that just seem to go together for me. i know that is a random statement and i am sure if he were to ever read it he would certainly be frightened by seeing his name and "pregnancy" together. its weird. and its haunting.

by the time you two (three!) are old enough to read these books, you will be more than aware that i love 80's hair metal. in fact, i love it so much, i wish i was just about five or ten years older so i really could have raged. i went to my first motley crue concert in 7th grade with my older cousin, eric, and some of his friends. to this day, i am a little surprised my mother let me go, but she did and i had a smashing time. i remember hearing motley crue on the radio back then and loving them, but nothing like i have in my 30's.

during my first pregnancy, i had the sweetest little bmw x5. it was black and it was fast. i would put on "kick start my heart" and as the guitar would accelerate, so would i. the music would get louder and louder and i played it on a loop. i felt so lousy most of that pregnancy, it was one of those weird things that made me feel normal, made me feel like me. the music would pound through my chest and i found it so reassuring and "me." the thing about pending parenthood, is that you know things are going to drastically change and consume your life; but its frightening that some how the "you" that "you" know can get lost. my body and mind were going through all of these changes that didn't seem to be effecting randy and the only thing that brought me back to center was that guitar riff.

in my last trimester, angela bought me "the heroin diaries," nikki's first book/diary. i read it cover to cover in the days leading up to delivery. it was all about frankie going to hollywood and the roller coaster ride he endured through drug dependency. it took me out of my own head and into his sick and twisted world. the beauty of that deal, was the happy ending. he came out more evolved and omniscient because of it; but the thing that stuck with me the most was just that he freaking survived! once again, hard to find nikki sixx= pregnancy but in those moments i was looking for some inspiration on survival.

i feel like its important to note, that during my second pregnancy, nikki wasn't so present. i got a little tangled up with some vampire novels during that time frame; which might explain why vivian is nocturnal and bites all of the time. . .

moving on to pregnancy number three and now nikki comes out with a much anticipated second book, "this is gonna hurt." it features his photography and journaling. i bought it on my ipad and have highlighted so many quotations from it! who would have ever thought a pregnant mother of two, living in a missouri suburb would find so many inspiring things from an eccentric, outspoken rock star? i find his art captivating, unsettling at times, but i think that is what he is going for. there is a certain something about him that likes to shock and awe; i totally get that about him. its thought provoking and in the hum-drums of life, something we all need. while i don't agree with everything he says or feels, it makes me think.

so here we are again. just me, nikki sixx and a cooking baby. he shows up in my facebook news feed, my dreams and i am happy to have him there. he's a refreshing reminder that life is beautiful and while i will never be the same me i am today, there is the potential for me, too, to become more evolved, provoked and omniscient.

"when i get high
i get high on speed
top fuel funny car's 
a drug for me


my heart, my heart
kickstart my heart."


motley crue





*i would like to add, for the record, i am totally pissed that motley crue is coming to kansas city this summer and i am going to miss them. again. like i did the last time they were here and i was pregnant. i need to stop having babies and they need to tour again next year. damn it!

to make you feel my love

hey. its me.

your mom. the one who had the best of intentions of posting on a regular basis so you could look back fondly on all the fun things we did in your childhood.

its just, that, well, i am really effing tired lately.

as you well know i am a night owl and usually do my best thinking in the darkness. its just now, those dark hours are spent in bed. usually with my eyes closed.

chasing the two of you around all day and growing your sibling is proving to be quite taxing on my body. my hips feel like they are broken by dinner time, i seriously, need a walker. most nights i am not even remotely interested in things i have dvr'd and you can't even imagine how neglected your poor father is! but here i am, forfeiting a nap this afternoon so i can bring you up to speed on life.

its may now and since my last post, easter has come and gone, prince william got married, osama bin laden is dead, jack's had strep throat, the weather has totally skipped spring and gone straight to 95, we've been to kirksville for the grand opening of grandpa's office, your dad did NOT kill a turkey again this season, you gave me chanel sunglasses for mother's day and i have gained exactly 6 lbs, most of which i am certain have come from my nightly ice cream runs. i feel like if i can't have cocktails, by God, i am going to eat ice cream. a lot of it.

those are all of the really big highlights of the last month but there have been some quieter things happening too. you both have had your half birthdays and i am happy to report you have grown leaps and bounds since turning 1 and 3. jack is now 41 3/4 inches and 34 pounds. vivian is a scrappy 32 inches and 22 pounds. according to iBaby (yes, there's an ap for that!) your sibling is 26 weeks old, 14 inches long and weighs about 1lb 14oz- and is always having a tap dancing party on my ribs. (oh what a feeling! we're dancing on the ceiling!) i won't even tell you how much weight i have gained since MY birthday. *sigh*

vivian is starting to talk in sentences, repeating everything and finds great joy in saying "bless you" when anyone sneezes. it is allergy season around here after all, so its happening frequently. her hair is long enough to put in pig tails and she's had two real hair cuts now. she has developed quite a sweet tooth lately and will do just about anything for candy. i bartered with her the other day, poop in the potty would get her some candy. she produced poop, on the living room floor and still thought that warranted a treat! she has got some negotiating skills and i think we are a long way off from not buying diapers.

jack is all in on holidays now, he's a chip off the old lady grandma block. she likes holidays, gives her something to look forward to and decorate for and he is fully on her bandwagon. his vocabulary is blowing up and you're even counting in spanish now. he's a total sack rat like his mother, stays up late and sleeps in, most mornings i have to wake you up around 9. i love that about you. he thought princess catherine was "so pretty" and i couldn't agree more. you loved hunting for easter eggs and killed it at moila's egg hunt this year. you found the egg with the big prize and picked an 8 pack of bubbles so you could share them with your friends. you're having a bit of a hard time with listening and talking back lately, i only anticipate that to get much worse over the years.

your dad will probably kill me for publishing this in my public blog, but it was so funny! last week your dad was on a tangent about something and thought you were out of ear shot. he said "that is just so f**king stupid!" and jack chimed in "uh, daddy. . ." and we both knew what was coming! and then you said "daddy, we don't say STUPID in this house!" whew. by the skin of your teeth, rothy. by the skin of your teeth you didn't get busted. it was hilarious.

jack and i have been listening to adele lately and she does an incredible version of "to make you feel my love." its a song originally written by bob dylan but everything he does is basically inaudible in my opinion. her version is so wrenching and tender, i just love it. although i know its a romantic love song, i can't help but think of the two of you when i hear it. the lyrics resonate so much with me and how i feel about the two of you. i thought about it a lot this mother's day, how i really would do anything for you. i'm so lucky that the two of you came along considering the amount of work and waiting it took for you to arrive. it blows my mind to think God is sending me another one of you to love and how blessed i am to get to be a mom to someone else. i really can't wait to meet you! i am so grateful for jack for making me a mom, so grateful for vivian for making me a better mom and the surprise guest i will be so thankful for the plastic surgery i will need after you!

well, until your dad gets me that housekeeper i want, i am still the guy who does the laundry around here so i better get after it. i am going to really, super try to post more often. super try. until next time. . .


"When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/a/adele/make_you_feel_my_love.html ]
I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love"


Bob Dylan

ritz crackers

last week i had the good fortune of attending a junior league meeting at ucp. the subject of the night was children with special needs and we had an outstanding panel of experts there to discuss the matter. i found the entire thing interesting but the most poignant part of the evening for me was when amy enright said something to the effect of how much she appreciated and celebrated the smaller things in life with her son, because it took him so much longer to work for those moments. it stuck with me all week and then tonight, per our usual routine, i was in the bathtub, jack was watching cartoons. i had the door closed but i could hear you go downstairs and do something. you came back up, entered the bathroom with a bottle of water and package of ritz crackers and told me you had helped yourself to them, was that okay? i'm not sure if its me being hormonal but after you walked out of the bathroom, i thought i was going to cry. partially of sadness, partially with pride. how did this happen? when did you become so self sufficient? the politeness didn't surprise me, i think i have beat you into submission on that front. as a parent, i find myself thinking sometimes that i can't wait to not be your indentured servant, for you to be capable of doing things on your own. in that moment, with you in your dinosaur pajamas,  i knew you had changed.

you have grown.

again.


other notable things from this last week- uncle tim and i just got back from a spa/golf trip to scottsdale over the weekend. it was relaxing and much needed. i booked the trip the week after rotavirus hell and it came at a beautiful time. the weather has been in the low 50's and rainy here. arizona was 96, sunny, full of pool time and massages. we ate great food, took naps and did nothing productive. the only thing missing were the cocktails. i have never vacationed solo with my brother and i am happy to report we got along splendidly. i learned that he sleeps with his mouth open and he learned way more than he ever wanted/needed to know about pregnancy. if he keeps hanging out with me and all of you, he may NEVER get married and have children.

we spent palm sunday lounging under gorgeous palm trees at the spa. close to God, indeed.

as much as i love being away, it serves as a nice reminder of how much i like being home and how much i love this life. now that you know how to fix yourself a snack, i wonder how long it will take me to be able to talk you into fixing one for me too? 

deep in the heart of texas

i'm here tonight without much cohesion of thought, but more out of necessity. its been too long since i have left a post and i'm trying to get back on the wagon. i can hardly believe its april 9th- with all of the sickness and crappy weather, the days have ticked by so slowly. it was 85 degrees out today and beautiful! your dad took you to genefield school this morning and you rode the big wheel and drove the little red car; everyone had rosy red cheeks and took great naps this afternoon. i'm always surprised in the spring when its time to sport shorts, how incredibly screwed i am in the dna dept and how ghastly white my legs are. i think it gets worse the older i get. additionally, with age, i have decided to start wearing brighter pink lipstick, i think it makes me look a little less post-mortem. this might be how "crazy old lady" syndrome starts, but in my head, it seems like a good idea.

your father and i just returned from a five day trip to texas. we spent an evening in dallas with the redstones and then went on to houston for the final four. hillyard has several tickets to the games every year and have had those tickets for decades; even before anyone cared about college basketball. this year we enjoyed the games with 70, 000 people! randy and i have been together going on 8 years now and this is the first time i have been able to tag along for the trip. when i decided to go last fall i imagined partaking in several cocktails during the weekend, sleeping in and running all over houston with penny park. little did i know that i would be in my 22nd week of pregnancy during this trip. i was exhausted and sober the whole time. i missed you two every day but have to admit it was a nice break from parenting, lifting and carrying you. i napped when i wanted to, which was great since i wake up about four times a night to go to the bathroom. your sibling likes to dance on my bladder while i am trying to sleep. the basketball games were anticlimactic to say the very least but still exciting to be there. penny park went to the games with us and it was great to see her. we also got to hang out with heather and worm, who were in the midst of packing and readying to move to new orleans. they were in panic mode but we managed to squeeze in a lunch and catch up. i wish they all lived closer!

you both had a good time with grandma while we were gone but managed to exhaust her. in fact, you all three were tired and grouchy upon our return. mom complained about how close you were in age and that she would not be watching THREE of you any time soon. she compared you two to uncle tim and i, noting how significant the difference in 4 and a half years versus 23 months. unfortunately, my age is a factor and having you all so close was my only choice. lucky for me as a mother, i know no differently. i am used to the constant chaos, bickering and all together busy-ness the two of you provide. by day five of our trip i was really ready to see your little faces and hear your belly laughs. it was so quiet without you. 

life has been back to normal for everyone the rest of the week- whatever our version of "normal" is. this morning jack got a package in the mail, seems a little bit of texas found its way to our house. 

jack has spent the last month talking about armadillos and penny park thought you should have one of your very own! how many three year olds in northwest missouri have their very own armadillos? i am going to go with not very many! she replaced the beer bottle with a vintage texas soda bottle and you thought it was his "roadie" and that he drank it on his trip from the lone star state. its too good of a story to disagree, so i am going with it. vivian loved it equally as well and ran around the house calling for the "dillo! dillo!" i have a feeling we are going to have a very good time with our new critter. 

its late, or at least it feels late. i'm an old, tired, grouchy, pregnant broad so i am going to hit the hay instead of telling you all of the rest of the wonderfully funny and endearing things you have been up to. i will do my best to log them to memory for the next time i remember or force myself to post. 

my love for you both is bigger than the state of texas. . .