the sunday before christmas

i am feeling very sentimental today, for it was a year ago today i stepped out of the shower and threw up all over the floor.

i'm not normally a puker, unless i am pregnant, so you can imagine the horror shock i felt as i was sitting there. i was a little baffled by this "outburst" but the feeling was all too familiar. after all, we were told, due to my poly cystic ovarian syndrome, the chances of us conceiving on our own were slim to none. we had tried to get pregnant for two years, then conceded and started seeing a specialist. a couple of thousand dollars later, we had jack. two years and two thousand more dollars we had vivian. we had contemplated a third child but decided the timing wasn't right and we would revisit the idea in the fall. keeping in mind all of this, i dug through the back of the cabinet and found an expired pregnancy test and took it. i was so certain i was not pregnant, that i left it on the sink, proceeded to get ready and nearly forgot about it. your dad was off getting breakfast and i was getting everyone dressed. we heard him come home so i sent the two of you downstairs while i ran into the bathroom to check.

holy. shit.

it really looked like two lines. two lines for positive. but there was no way? all of that time, money, doctors opinions had told me other wise. i grabbed the test, walked slowly half way down the stairs and called for your dad to meet me. he was annoyed, didn't want to get up, thought the dog had gone to the bathroom on the steps and i was calling him to clean it up. i beckoned him again and he met me and immediately asked me what was wrong. i was white as a sheet with a horrified look on my face. i shoved the test towards him and asked "does that look like two lines? it looks like two lines doesn't it?"

your dad responds with "what's that?"

"a pregnancy test, randy!"

"i know its a pregnancy test, but who in the hell does it belong to? is this a joke?" he said.

i shook my head and said i really didn't know what was going on. how could this be? i sent him off to walgreens, despite his desire to finish his breakfast. i had a sense of urgency! i needed more tests, at least four and i wanted the digital pregnant-not pregnant type.

it had snowed that morning and daddy tracked snow into the drugstore. a little old lady was working and laughed as she said "you couldn't sneak up on anybody with those squeaky shoes! can i help you find something?"

daddy said, "um, i am actually looking for the family planning isle, speaking of sneaking up on somebody!"

four positive pregnancy tests later that sunday morning, we were nearly certain, if not totally bewildered that we were in fact pregnant. again. we had a 15 month old baby and a newly three year old. it did explain the way i had been feeling the whole month of december; i was so tired, lethargic and unmotivated. every day i would wake up, exhausted and say to myself "today will be the day i rally and get all my shopping and wrapping done!" then 8 pm would come, everyone would be in bed and i would follow suit. i thought it was just the massive amount of holiday parties we had or that the days were shorter, darker, but sweet, tiny little, homemade eleanor was growing inside me.

(oh eddie. . . if i woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, i wouldn't be more surprised than i am now!)

there is a faith hill song called "a baby changes everything" and although its about the birth of Jesus Christ, i find myself listening to that song and thinking about eleanor. i know, your'e reading this and thinking "oh no, she did not compare her baby to Jesus Christ" and yes, yes, i did. much like those day 2011 years ago, i did not see this coming. we were unprepared and a little bit frightened. now she is here and she has provided us immeasurable joy. there is nothing like a baby to cause one to rejoice in all the wonder and possibility. babies provide newness, hope. they rejuvenate your faith in mankind and in love. it is so true, a baby changes everything. hallelujah!

i didn't know it at the time i chose her name, but eleanor mean "shining light" and she is just that. her gummy baby grin melts my heart and her light drawls us all in.  i never thought our family was incomplete until she came along. we feel whole now. it's no surprise that i like the bible verse John 18:37 when i think of eleanor-- "for this reason i was born" thank God for baby eleanor, the best surprise i have ever had! our own christmas miracle!

in all my overflowing sentiment, i nearly forgot to post Roxy's happenings. your dad had to help you find him this morning, he was hidden a bit behind the christmas tree.

this is probably one of my most prized possessions, not because it is worth a lot of money but because of its long history that ironically connects my family to your fathers. my maternal grandfather, verne ray, was a sheet metal worker. in the early 70's he was working on the hillyard building downtown. all around the top of the building were copper lion heads. his foreman pointed out a loose one hanging from the north side. he said it was going to fall off and hit a car, that the hillyard family wanted it taken off. verne volunteered but said if he got it off he was keeping it. (this does not surprise me, he's stingy like that!) nonetheless, this lion head hung 8 stories off the ground! another man held my grandfather by the legs as he leaned waaaaaaayyyyy over and used his tin snips to snatch the lion to freedom. he stuck it in his coat and left work that day. 

my grandmother hated that the lionhead had patinaed into chalky turquoise so she spray painted it. UGH!  my entire life, the lion has hung above the fireplace in whatever house my grandparents lived in. i always remember it being around and vaguely knew the story. i was reminded it was the hillyard building while randy and i were dating and the running joke has been about my grandfather stealing from the hillyards. i thought for sure they would give it to us as a wedding present, but remember that whole stingy thing? yep, my grandmother was not ready to part with it and i got dishes. well, i was supposed to get dishes but she never gave them to me. are you sensing a theme yet?

moving forward to 2007 hillyard celebrates 100 years in business! quite an accomplishment! your father is generation five which makes all of you 6th generation hillyard family members! welcome to your legacy of gym floors and cleaning products! verne finally decided this was a monumental enough occasion to part with his precious, stolen lion head and return it to his rightful owner. i nearly died when he gave it to randy and was secretly a little sad he didn't give it to me! at least its in our house now and serves as little piece of history from our merged families. i had him stripped and returned to his former glory and i think its just beautiful! 

like the lion watches over us daily, Roxy found his way to this artifact this morning to watch over all of you today!